Thinking Globally, Acting Stupidly

Having been raised in Wisconsin and steeped in its progressive politics, we came to campus ready to join the good fight. But four years here have completely disillusioned us. The closest we get to activism anymore is punching a few gay sophomores, even though we know they won’t get into any final club.

And don’t think that we’ve settled for this apathy easily. No, we spent most of freshman year traveling around the country, attending rally after rally, giving it all we had, making posters to express our opinions, and screaming at the top of our lungs for our favorites to win. But NASCAR got boring, and our moral compasses were left spinning more uncontrollably than Dale Earnhardt’s last ride. RIP #3.

Now we’re stuck on a campus with 6,000 preppy cause-whores who choose their issues by matching their rubber wristbands to their candy-ass outfits. Can’t find something to go with those boat shoes? How about colon-cancer brown, you dickface? Look, activism shouldn’t be a fashion trend. You shouldn’t wear your politics on your sleeve...especially when your shirt was made in a sweatshop. And you shouldn’t wear your politics on your pants either, because real activists don’t wear pants. They know that clothing is just an outmoded social construct.

But if you are going to take up a cause, at least be consistent. Last month one of our friends was protesting the genocide in Sudan. We saw the same guy yesterday, but this time he was supporting the genocide. Or take the janitor issue; all these union-lovers want Harvard to rehire the janitor who faints on the job, but we don’t see anyone sticking up for the janitor who committed all those gropings in Cambridge Common. If anything, that guy was doing better than most, really reaching out to get in touch with the student body.

And make sure to pick a reasonable cause in the first place. Don’t be concerned with far-off places like Sudan, because change starts at home. Just ask the man in the mirror. We did, and those warlocks told us to buy two great books: “The Seven Habits of Highly-Effective Teens” by Sean Covey and “Our Underachieving Colleges: A Candid Look at How Much Students Learn and Why They Should be Learning More” by Derek C. Bok. Both have a lot of great tips about picking up girls without coming off as sleazy.

Once you’ve perfected yourself, there’s a lot of work to be done right here on campus. House facilities, for example, have extremely discriminatory usage policies. Why are instruments the only thing you can practice in the practice rooms? What about our religion, Wicca? How are we supposed to keep holy on the black Sabbath if every time we cast a tornado spell in Mather courtyard, Peter gets Ad boarded? We knew Cambridge was close to Salem, but we had no idea how deep the bigotry ran. You can’t imagine how demeaning it is when TFs ask us to put away our wands while our Sikh classmates can run wild with their ceremonial scimitars.

Our point is, there is too much injustice in your everyday life to be bothered by things like global warming. How can we be thinking about our children’s lives when, right now, as we write this, Harvard dining halls are stocked with generic breakfast cereal?