Bouncing in the Square

Most students under 21 liken bar visits to CIA missions: one must be inconspicuous, stealthy, and cavalier. The bouncer is the enemy.

With compassion for the newly sober under-agers roaming the campus (hi Dean Pilbeam!), FM decided to take one for the metaphorical “team” and follow the wise adage: “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” To accomplish this mission, we approached some of the Square’s most notorious bouncers to learn the tricks of the trade.

FM first visited the oft-frequented Hong Kong Restaurant, best known for acid-colored scorpion bowls and its close scrutiny of all who enter.

Travis, 23, has bounced at the Kong for almost two months, frequently turning away underage visitors (for whom he, doesn’t have much sympathy). “They’ll be back the next day,” he said. His advice for underage kids dying to go to the Kong? “Don’t.”

The next popular watering hole FM investigated was Tommy Doyle’s.

Having worked the door there for nine months, Gabriel is a pro at spotting underage visitors. “I can always tell,” he said. “Don’t take me for a fool... It’s so obvious.”

Grafton Street Restaurant and Bar is known friendly bouncers, such as Ian, 24, who has worked there for four months.

“I meet lots of people,” he says. “For every asshole, there are 100 nice people.”

Unfortunately, he didn’t learn much in the way of “nice” from his patrons: for those trying to sneak in his typical response is, “Go to hell. You’ll be 21 soon, and it’s not that interesting.”

Well, Ian, FM begs to differ. But you’ll be right at home in University Hall.

(Bouncers interviewed by FM declined to give their last names.)