15 Purposes Mass Hall Served When It Was Not a Freshman Dorm

1. Thousands of monkeys sitting at typewriters, who will eventually create a meaningful College alcohol policy.

2. Class of 2012 Z-listers.

3. Former University President Lawrence H. Summers’s collection of baking utensils, Danielle Steele novels, and tampons.

4. Supply of HUDS Red Spiced Chicken for the 2007-8 academic year.

5. An ongoing conference, which the Radcliffe Institute refuses to host, screening nothing but hardcore lesbian pornography.

6. Blondes! Blondes! Blondes!

7. Wrinkled picture of Radcliffe Yard, upon which, in her hours of greatest strain, University President Drew G. Faust often gazes, letting herself occasionally wonder...wonder if they’d...be proud of her...(sniffle).

8. A guillotine, for use in extreme Ad Board cases.

9. The little-known Harvard School of Colonial Management.

10. A letter from former University President James B. Conant ’14 that begins, “My Dear Sir Martian Overload President...”

11. Henry A. Kissinger ’50, just sitting quietly in a rocking chair.

12. Supply of tequila for upcoming “Presidential Thirsty Thursday.”

13. A portrait of former University President Derek C. Bok, aging.

14. Thousands upon thousands of women in science.

15. Misplaced supply of Mass Hall dignity and clout.