POPSCREEN: Eminem

After a prolonged hiatus, Eminem is back to prove that he has graduated from his former persona as fast food worker and Bat-Dre’s sidekick. Now he’s Bret Mathers, rocker of love. But even Eminem knows his Guitar Hero skills don’t quite translate to rock singing chops, so he’s called in Dina Rae for the chorus. He’d asked Jessica Simpson to do it, but she was busy catching cheeseburgers from Tony Romo.

By now, Eminem’s realized that if he’s going to make fun of so many people, he’s got to have some escape plans. After calling Kim Kardashian a man, her “massive gluteus maximus” knocks Eminem out of his chair, but he’s already back on the Starship Enterprise with Dr. Dre. Then, after releasing some traditional homophobia, Eminem bolts from a peeved Sam Ronson—someone didn’t like being dubbed a 2 to Lindsay’s 10—by turning his 18-wheeler into a transformer. He might’ve said he didn’t know where his career was going in 2005, but we sure know what movie theatres he was going to in 2007.

Next on his rock star trip is Alaska, where Eminem finds himself surrounded by a polar bear and an Eskimo. He starts nailin’ Palin off her governor’s desk, out of the lingerie and glasses, but oddly enough, the polar bear and Eskimo are the only ones making a Palin sandwich by the end.

The climactic moment of Eminem’s trip takes him to Planet Womyn where Eminem’s wit must stand up to hoards of sword-wielding biddies. It’s not clear who wins, but we do know one thing by the end: Dre’s “Detox” probably won’t drop until 2020, and Eminem isn’t making the wait any easier.

—Colin Whelehan