On March 9, The Boston Globe reported that Harvard administrators had secretly searched the email accounts of 16 resident deans. But what if they had searched other faculty email? Here is what they might have found.
Subject: [Name Retracted]’s Schedule
From: Dan Gilbert
To: David Malan, Gregory Nagy, Henry Louis Gates
I was looking and saw [Name retracted] Pre-Term Planned all of our classes, so I thought we could get the ball rolling on setting up our syllabi!
From: David Malan
To: Dan Gilbert, Gregory Nagy, Henry Louis Gates
Oh perfect! I was thinking week six, I’d have a really hard pset due and you, Dan, could hit him with a midterm. Nagy: are you up for a midterm then, too? Gates: this is the time to have a 5-pager due. Don’t give out extensions under any circumstance.
From: Gregory Nagy
To: Dan Gilbert, Henry Louis Gates, David Malan
I’m away in Greece right now, but happy to help however I can when I get back. My class is light on assignments, but I’m sure I can assign an extra poem or something for that week.
From: Henry Louis Gates
To: Dan Gilbert, David Malan, Gregory Nagy
This is why I love PTP. You’ve got it, guys!
Subject: Need help again
From: Gordon Teskey
To: [Eng-list] Anyone have a copy of Paradise Lost I could borrow or buy for 20$$$? Lecturing in 30 mins. Please message me!
Subject: New Faculty Initiations (“no hazing” lol)
From: Andrew Berry
Hey all, I’m hosting initiations for the new faculty members. Gonna have a keg for them at my place and then they’ll take a shot at each of the different tenured faculty members’ houses so they can choose which lecture hall they’ll get. We need representation across all departments. Who’s down to host? Don’t tell Hammonds—she’s not invited.
From: Helen Vendler
Let’s get schwasty! Just remember we need to alternate to abide by the University party form policy.
From: Maria Tatar
Hehehehehehe. Beer and vodka then?
From: Elisa New
Anyone want to split a cab to the Square at 8 a.m.?
From: Diana Eck
To: [Empty field]
To Do List:
- Be a boss.
Subject: Livelier Lectures Workshop
From: Evelynn Hammonds
Sick of watching your lecture students stare off with glazed eyes, or click away on Facebook? Come to our Livelier Lectures Workshop, held this Thursday, April 4, at 7:30 pm, in the Straus common room. There will be Snacks!*
Workshop Host: Matthew Kaiser, Associate Professor of English.
Matthew Kaiser was the popular lecturer for Literature and Sexuality, which filled up Memorial Hall. If he could keep that many people awake and interested, surely you can do the same with your 10-person seminar! Come learn how shocking content, funny motivational posters, and the use of curse words can amp up your lectures. RSVP now to email@example.com
*Enough for the first six people, tops.
Subject: Students And Sodas!
From: Tom Dingman
Looking to get to know some of this year’s brightest and most promising freshmen? Come to Students and Sodas, from the creators of Professors and Pastries and Doctors and Desserts! This Tuesday night (Apr 2) from 7:30-9 pm in the Straus Common Room!