[Unsolicited] Advice to Josh: Freshman Formal

Although Josh stopped coming to us for advice after the last “Advice to Josh” column, we decided to give our freshman friend some tips for how to survive Freshman Formal. Here are some of the questions we (rightly) assumed he would be asking. You’re welcome, Josh!

The girl I want to take to Formal is in a long-distance relationship, but she wants to go “as friends” so that she will match with someone in the Mathews A entryway pre-formal photo.  What should I do?

FM1: Common issue, Josh. I recommend skinny-arming it, so that when you show the photo to your friends from home, and tell everyone that you are dating her, your arms won’t look chubby.

FM2: First off, let’s make one thing clear: there’s no such thing as a long-distance relationship. There are only short-distance relationships, and people you used to know really well and now only text occasionally when you’re by yourself at a party and want to look and feel like you’re not alone. That being said, the “friend zone” is very real and very unfortunate. Sometimes, the only way out is to put it all on the line, by which I mean sending her Snapchats of your junk.

FM3: Buy her boyfriend a plane ticket so he can come. That’s what she’s really asking for.

How do I pregame?

FM1: As a 21 year old, I cannot condone underage drinking; it would be morally irresponsible, and from what my parents tell me, highly illegal. So don’t pregame, Josh. Stay sober, and instead prepare with 5-7 servings of fruits and veggies.

FM2: Have you ever tried to make your own vodka? Grab mixers from Annenberg.

FM3: Bring a flask to dinner and spike your apple juice, orange juice, or combo of the two.

How do I get there?

FM1: I recommend the T. It’s environmentally friendly.

FM2: The only socially acceptable way to roll in is in a party bus, with the coolest kids in the freshman class. Anything else would constitute social suicide.

FM3: First you have to get into Harvard. Then you have to not flunk out  of freshman fall. If you can check those two boxes, then we’re on the same page. Good. Use Uber. It’s just so simple!!

What if I drunkenly run into my proctor?

FM1: Keep running.

FM2: Really, any response is fine in this scenario. Anything from “I thought it would be wise to pregame Freshman Formal” to “Sorry, I was at a wine and cheese tasting with my grandmother” is a fine excuse. Just don’t invite your proctor to any post-Formal rendezvous.

FM3: Great time to ask him or her about a recommendation for summer opportunities.

Will seniors be there? If so, how do I keep them away?

FM1: Seniors probably won’t be there. A junior might be, if that boy in my Ec10 section who I’ve had my eyes on finally  asks me.

FM2: Seniors will not be there. Trust me, Josh, they have better things to do. Like lie down on their bed and watch Girls.

FM3: Seniors might be there, regardless of what FM1 and 2 say. But they’re probably going with a specific person. You have nothing to fear.