Allston, as FM Imagines

This year Harvard further detailed its plans to move parts of the School of Engineering and Applied Sciences to North Allston. Additional improvements will be made to athletic facilities already across the river. Here at FM, we’ve come up with suggestions for additional projects that we think Harvard could actually use in the barren tundra of Allston. All ideas are pending approval.

A Harvard Stadium without a 10 foot drop

Nothing says “Go Harvard” like a broken leg. The tradition of storming the field after The Game is tarnished by having to drunkenly descend a concrete wall. Jumping down into a friend’s arms isn’t a good option either, because that’s just twice the casualties. Save us the trouble, Harvard. Don’t make the stadium a death trap.

Replica of John Harvard

Located in an abandoned parking lot, the exact replica of the John Harvard statue would divert tourists away from the Yard. The decoy statue would cause tourist groups to gather in a crowded frenzy without being anywhere near you on your way to class. Never again will you have to be questioned about your SAT score, or power walk in front of their photo to assert your dominance.

Four CVS’s

For those days when you’re feeling a distinct lack of available drug stores, a series of four CVS stores in Allston will fill that gaping void. Three in the Square didn’t really do it for me. Let’s shoot for one building where each floor is a different CVS. Not different floors of the same CVS, but a different CVS store on each floor entirely. Bring back the self checkout. I want to buy my overpriced laundry detergent in peace.

Indoor Waterpark

Give me one good reason why not. Liability? Wrong. There isn’t one. Let a little loose and get a little wet in conditions only slightly more sanitary than Mather Lather. The waterpark will feature towering attractions of impressive speeds that drop faster than your GPA in midterm season. Let me hit you with some ideas: the Weeks Foot Bridge—a 20 foot cliff dive where you land on your friend. The Quad Shuttle—slide down to the Quad in 25 minutesflat, but you have to share a tube with last weekend’s hook-up and make small talk. The Final Club Tube—no one can actually go in and it’s completely in the dark. The Lamont Lazy River—leisurely drift down a river of tears while doing a pset. The options are endless.

The Mega Quad Deluxe 2.0

As those in a walkthrough triple N-4 cupboards will attest, we could use some more rooms on campus. But if you think the Quad is far, just imagine living in a dorm in Allston. Therefore, Drizzy Faust and crew should design it to be the most unreal housing in Cambridge. The Mega Quad Deluxe 2.0 will feature subsidized Uber service, spacious common rooms, and an indoor waterpark. The waterpark is happening. It’s happening and we’re doing it, Dean Khurana.