Imaginary Headlines

Fogg Opens; Senior Makes Vague Promise To Go

Freshman Accidentally Swipes Left on Crush; Alone For Rest of College

CVS:Starbucks Ratio Briefly in Equilibrium

Ben Zauzmer Predicts Two More Months of Winter

New Felipe’s Opens; Too Far to Walk Now

Snapchat Geofilter Thinks I Live in Allston

Isis Club Renames Itself Al Qaeda; Membership Skyrockets

Dining Hall Worker Loses Lottery: Can’t Graduate Without SPU Class

Malia Obama Visits; Doesn’t Tip HAHVARD Tour Guide

Jesse J, “Bang Bang” Singer, Deemed Too Pro Guns; Deval Patrick to Perform at Alternative Yard Fest

Spee Apologizes For Insensitive Invitations,“Our Bad, Bitches”

Stillman Shortens Hours; “Students Can Seek Treatment At Tasty Burger”

Chris Pratt Named “Parks and Rec” Man of the Year; Aziz Ansari Unaware

The Crimson Contractually Obligated To Publish David J. Malan’s Name Every Month; Done

Administrators Ban Student-Professor Relationships; Grade Inflation Ends

Harvard Hit by Snowpocalypse; Global Warming’s Not Real

Currier Ten-Man Mistaken For A Party Suite, EOM

Shitty Alcohol Found to Contain Anti-Freeze; Somehow Shittier Than Previously Imagined

Uptown Funk Goes Downtown to Allston; Never Completes Construction

Ivy Finally Releases Second Episode; Announces Third Episode for 2037

Drew Faust Refuses to Fundraise For Boston 2024; Fundraising For “Peasants And Plebes,” She Says.

Capital Campaign Starts Selling Krispy Kreme.

New Emojis More Diverse, Grandma Still Racist