Record Breakers, as FM Imagines

When we’re old and grey, we’ll reminisce about it. And even though most of us will only live in Cambridge for these few years of our lives, we’ll take pride in it. Because we survived, damn it. I’m talking, of course, about the record-breaking winter: 108.6 inches of snow, the most since Bostonians started keeping records in 1872.

MOST MONEY SPENT ON WINTER CLOTHING

First, some bought Canada Goose jackets. Then, they purchased actual geese feathers, to layer under jackets on those sub-zero days. When Cambridge started to look like Winterfell, they shelled out for animal pelts. Finally, they emptied their bank accounts for a last resort: portable igloos ($1,000 for a two-room suite).

MOST DRUNK PEOPLE ON SUNDAY NIGHTS

This winter, an email announcing that classes the next day would be cancelled felt like the Times Square New Year’s Eve ball drop: anticipation, then excitement, then revelry. Study rooms in Lamont Library turned into party suites. The portable igloos came in handy for arctic-themed parties.

THE LEAST ESSENTIAL YOU’VE EVER FELT

Each email from Stephen Lassonde, Dean of Student Life, also reminded us that we are absolutely non-essential. Not only did these reminders prompt minor existential crisesacross campus, they also warned us that should our non-essential toes step outside, we’d risk death from slippery ice, windchill, or snow banks.