1) There’s a new kid in your section who’s totally cute. What’s the first thing you notice about him?
a) His adorable smile.
b) His Brooks Brothers ensemble.
c) His unflinching commitment to the uprising of the proletariat.
2) What’s your least favorite class?
b) My Science of the Physical Universe Gen Ed. Will Goldman recruiters really care how much I know about natural disasters?
c) The bourgeoisie.
3) What’s your ideal theme for a formal?
a) Under the Sea.
c) Social spaces? Try implementation of social ownership of the means of production in order to abolish bourgeois property!
4) Thoughts on the recent mumps outbreak?
b) Definitely going to cut down on drinking from used Solo cups.
c) It’s a painful reminder that we need socialized health care.
5) Your ideal Halloween costume is:
b) Presidential candidate. I love slaying a round of beer pong in a Make America Great Again hat.
c) No costume could be spookier than the modern system of industrial capitalism.
If you answered mostly As and Bs…
You have great style, you’re a chill friend, and you have been lulled into a complacent slumber by the allure of capitalist society! Your friends love you because you’re smart, fun, and completely willing to ignore the antagonism of oppressive and oppressed classes! If you have a feeling that the hottie in your entryway has been checking you out, you’re probably right—there’s nothing like a steamy romance to distract you from the inevitable collapse of the bourgeoisie!
If you answered mostly Cs...
You’re a Communist cutie! You’re kind, and you know better than anyone else that there ain’t no party like the Communist party. There’s no doubt that you’ll leave your Marx on the people around you. If you’ve been eyeing that smokin’ comrade that you always run into in the dining hall, quit Stalin and ask him out—assuming that he too recognizes that all worldly ideals are built from the exploitation of the working class.