The 10 People You Meet On Twitter

As I wrote in my last column, Twitter has existed for over eight years, and in that span of time the microblogging site has accrued a user base that consists of everyone and his mother. Having spent a substantial amount of time on the social media platform for this column and to promote my own #brand, I’ve noticed that most users can be sorted into just a few select categories.

The Celebrity: Ashton Kutcher famously beat out CNN in 2009, becoming the owner of the first Twitter account to one million followers. But today it seems as if every celebrity controls a stake in the Twittersphere, and one million followers is a mere starting point rather than a far-off aspiration.

Some stars take advantage of their online presence in order to shamelessly plug their next project,

while others connect to fans in a more authentic way by allowing us a peek inside their minds.

These accounts are generally not brimming with material that is insightful, profound, or in any way consequential, but they do tend to gain the most traction.

Examples:

@SHAQ

@BritneySpears

@JTimberlake

The News Outlet: One of the more valuable and practical aspects of Twitter, news-based accounts provide their followers with up-to-the-minute information regarding current events, faster than any other medium of news dissemination. Although the hacking of these accounts can incite fear and panic among Twitter users everywhere, they provide millions of Twitter users with free and extensive knowledge at a moment’s notice.

Examples:

@CNNbrk

@AP

@SportsCenter

The Internet Junk Account: Essentially the Twitter-equivalent of Buzzfeed or Upworthy, these accounts lure unsuspecting Internet users in with ostensibly captivating brand names like @GoogleTips or @EmrgencyKittens and you’re like “Cool! I want to learn some neat tricks about Google and/or enjoy pictures of kittens!” But no. You will learn nothing about Google and enjoy no kittens. Instead, these accounts simply retweet advertisements and post ambiguous “pic.twltter” links that look like they belong but very much do not. False advertising. Unfollowed.

Examples:

@UberFacts

@BestInventions

@LifeProTips

The Corporate Account: Following the advent of Twitter, it was only a matter of time before companies clambered aboard in an effort to bolster their online presence. Corporate accounts promote products, respond to customer concerns, and conduct surveys. Although some of these accounts are among the driest on the site,

others have progressed past sheer advertising to construct a compelling online persona.

Examples:

@OldSpice

@McDonalds

@SamsungMobile

The Lurker: This user spends the majority of their time on Twitter following other people, refraining from publishing any content themselves. You most likely won’t see much of this person, but they do constitute approximately 40 percent of the site’s user base, 35 percent of whom are probably overprotective mothers “keeping tabs” on their children.

The Middle Aged Businessman: This user joined Twitter after one of his colleagues invited him via InMail, or following he attended a Business and Technology Leadership Conference at his local Sheraton. The majority of his tweets sound something like this: “Productive meeting on the golf course today with @SoAndSo discussing the role of Extension Strategies in future success. @SoAndSo needs to hit the driving range! L.O.L.” or “Excited to learn about #MarketingSegmentation at #ICRM2014”

Unless this person is indirectly paying for your child’s college education, there’s no need to follow him.

The Entertainer: With such a low barrier to entry, Twitter provides all its users an opportunity to try their hand at stand up comedy. They “notice things”

and they “hate it when”

and “isn’t it funny?”

Luckily for us. professional comedians are also online, and they are genuinely funny. Twitter provides them the opportunity to test out new material, try out different styles, and add new supporters.

Comedian @RobDelaney’s stand-up and writing career took off after being voted “Funniest Person on Twitter,” although he would most likely fall in the next category.

Examples:

@DemetriMartin

@LouisCK

@JohnMulaney

The Weird Entertainer: Similar to the aforementioned Entertainer, the objective of the Weird Entertainer is also to elicit laughter, but these comics have devised a new approach to humor. Instead of adhering to the traditional joke structure, with setup and punch line, the Weird Entertainer tweets legitimately bizarre and outlandish things, in the hopes of catching his audience off guard. It’s not for everyone.

Examples:

@RobDelaney

@degg

@dril

The Bro: This user is most likely in college or high school with a few college friends, and much of his original content concerns his excessive consumption of alcohol, lost phone/wallet/keys, or infatuation with Jordan Belfort. Everyday occurrences are legendary, and they always “be on their grind.” That being said, approximately 95 percent of his total contribution to public discourse lies in his retweeting of Total Frat Move and tagging his frat buddy, alerting followers of a potential inside joke among frat brothers.

Examples:

@TotalFratMove

@Frat_Star

@LifeAsBros

Strict Adherer to Internet Days: Moments after the onset of hashtags, someone elected to establish themed days (#ss, #mcm, #tt, #wcw, #tbt, #fbf), providing Internet users with an insurance policy in the event they were unable to produce anything original on any given day. Casual users will maybe post a #tbt every other week and the occasional Woman Crush Wednesday if their significant other asks them why they haven’t yet. But certain users observe these guidelines with more fervor and resolve than they do the law, and believe they are on a mission from God complete the task week in and week out, not just on Twitter, but on Instagram and Facebook as well.

Which of these groupings is most desirable? It differs from person to person. But I’m pretty sure we can accurately pinpoint the worst: