Sub-Par Criminal Activity

Shame on you, Cambridge. How could you, famished ingrates?

Yes, we see those salty traces lacing your mouths. No, don't try to wipe them away now. The deed's been done—your immoral choices have had severe repercussions for the great national institution of Subway.

Last week, the fairly new sandwich venue in the Garage moved its rolling shelf of chips from the hall to behind the counter. Supposedly, too many hoodlums have been snatching bags of chips and running away.

The snack that drove most of the nascent criminal tendencies haywire? Doritos, the man behind the cash register at Subways confirmed.

We expected better of you, young violators of the law. Not because you stole a bag of chips, but because you stole a bag of chips. Next time you plan on pulling a badass move, try stealing something a bit more filling—maybe a nice slab of porterhouse steak or at least a foot-long (okay fine: a six-inch, for the faint of heart).

You didn't even do it with style, like this feathery fellow.