Sometime yesterday afternoon, you should have received some longwinded e-mail regarding some "January Experience Announcement" from our dean-friends Mike Smith and Evelynn Hammonds.

Because some of you may have other things to do than read such stimulating blocks of text, Flyby has parsed all 686 words of wisdom and translated what Mike and Evelynn actually mean by, say, [insert any one of the convoluted 39-word sentences peppered with double-speak]. Translation after the jump.

Dear  Students, Faculty, and Staff,

This is about J-Term.

As you know, we usually kick you out for the non-denominational holiday break and rifle through your belongings to find contraband microwaves, but next year, you will no longer be welcome back on campus come January. That is, unless you have a "recognized and pre-approved need" to be back frolicking through the empty dorms and houses.

So... despite hints of our mysterious-but-grand plans for a "January Experience," we are actually not going to go through with (un)said plans and offer any J-Term programs. But why this abrupt change of cancellation of plans?? Well, we realized that even half-assing "new, compressed, short-term set of offerings in January" would actually take time that we do not have, since we have to, like, figure out what the deal is with University finances.

But fear not! We are going to ease this disappointment by telling you that Gen Ed and the Freshman Seminars haven't been cut! Relief, am I right?!

We are also going to list a bunch of random programs and unrelated initiatives and spout empty words about our commitments to fill up space. As you may have noticed by now, this message could have ended two paragraphs ago.

Let's add more words about how we deans believe that you will in fact find something exciting to do with or without our help, such as hole up at home watching reruns of Project Runway, but pay for room and board anyway.

And we suppose we will try to be better organized the following year by taking notes, but this J-Term debacle was totally not our fault! We've never done anything like this before!


Mikey and Evelynn

P.S. Signature update! "Dean of Harvard College" now precedes "Barbara Gutmann Rosenkrantz Professor of the History of Science and of African and African American Studies" to reflect the shift in my priorities! <33