Boy, Oh Boy: 10 Freshman Boys You Meet at Harvard

Given the fact that we have shaken hands with over a hundred guys since setting foot at Harvard, we feel as though we’ve gotten a thorough first impression of all of you. Here’s a list of our favorite categories for the lads—try to figure out which mark you left on us ladies.

1. The Budding Alcoholic
The stench of vodka wafts to you from at least seven feet away. You look up and see him stumble slightly. This guy hasn’t had a sober night since he arrived here. He’s probably even made a few pit stops at UHS, but it’s really a point of pride for him. If you can’t fall asleep Thursday night because of the shouting outside, it’s likely his fault.

2. The Hermit
Chances are he’s signed up for CS50, Ec 10, Gov 20, and Math 55 without realizing what he got himself into. You saw him at the occasional entryway meeting during Opening Days, but now he's holed up in his room and his HSA laundry has been sitting in front of his door for the last week. Even his roommate has no idea when he eats.

3. The Club Sport Athlete
This guy talks about his sport all the time. He loves it, he’s proud of it, and he wants you to know it. But somehow, he always forgets to mention that he’s only on the club team…

4. The Recruited Athlete
Never without an entourage, this boy lives and breathes his sport. He needs his team and his team gear like we mortals need air. If you confront him without his equally tall and muscular teammates, he’s a deer in headlights who’s simply lost. It’s a cult, people. Embrace it.

5. The Preppy Kid
Oh my. Where to begin? As Jennifer L. Armentrout once said, “Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.” The epitome of the Harvard stereotype, he belongs in a Ralph Lauren ad. With his popped collar and snide look, this ultra preppy guy takes the cake. He’s so preoccupied with figuring out how to get punched that he probably won’t notice you waving at him.

6. The Guy Who’s Three Years Older Than Everyone
Where have you been? What have you been doing with your life? Somehow, his gap year turned into a couple of years…but you keep him in your contacts because he can buy alcohol and you can’t.

7. The Guy Who’s Three Years Younger Than Everyone
At first you probably thought he was a late bloomer—until you found out he’s actually just fifteen. Somehow, his brain just developed a lot better and faster than yours. You make sure to watch your language in front of him and might even feel the need to teach him about the birds and bees. The sad thing is that he’s better at math than you are; he’s even taking the harder class.

8. The Score Dropper
Could he be any prouder of his SAT score? At the drop of a hat, this boy will recite his scores better than most people can say the Pledge of Allegiance. Not to mention that he has his resume always on hand and business cards stuffed in all his back pockets. As soon as you meet, he rattles off his four classes and proceeds to drone on about how difficult his four p-sets were last night. No one cares, man. No one. We’re all in the same boat, so please find a new topic before we cast you adrift.

9. The Foreigner
He has the best accent and you hate that he keeps asking you questions, because all you want to do is hear him talk. He could talk about quantum mechanics and you would feign interest so that he doesn’t shut up. It’s cute that he thinks his country is superior to America, because chances are you think so too. Somehow, he knows about American politics, while you can’t name the president of Germany—that’s what they have, right? You also can’t help but treat him like a museum exhibit—“This is called ketchup. Do you have that where you’re from?”

10. The Nice Guy
He’s no more of a genius than you are. He hates working out as much as you and has just the right amount of weird you look for in a friend. When you’re around him, you fall into your niche and forget the fact that you met just two weeks ago. He’s pretty immature, which is great because you think the word “penis” is funny too, and you don’t have to hide that fact even though you’re in the great institution of Harvard.

In the next four years, you’ll date a few of these—probably the preppy kid because he was cute and because you friendzoned the nice guy. You’ll also find out that these are the ten boys you meet in sophomore, junior, and senior year—they’re just a little taller and dress better.

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