Listen Up!: Crushes on Section Kid and...Rocks?

Welcome to “Listen Up,” Flyby’s bi-weekly advice column written by two uniquely unqualified, naive, decidedly uninteresting sophomores from the back table in Adams Dining Hall. We’ve been flooded by submissions since we re-launched this column. Over the course of nine days, we’ve received more than 30 submissions (thanks, Mom!) The number of Harvard students that do not seem to know how to submit advice questions has also been somewhat disconcerting. “Steven’s scout op nerf,” is not a valid question, nor is a 424-word letter asking Dev for a casual meet-up (his answer is still yes.)

We rounded up some actual questions and provided thoughtful answers below. Prepare to be inspired.

(Also don’t forget to submit your questions here to be included in the next installment of Listen Up! Come on, we know you have problems. Here’s your chance to whine.)

Note: These are all actual questions we have received through our submission form. Yes, people actually wrote them. We were surprised too. If you submitted a question and do not see a response below, have no fear, we will do our best to address your concerns about spaghetti with self-awareness, your crush on Steven S. Lee*, and your flirting problems with Brazilian girls as soon as we can (again, people actually wrote questions on those topics.)

*Steven would love to get coffee with whomever submitted that question. HMU, please.

Dev, will you bear my offspring?

Something about the science is still out on male birthing. In other words, no. (Unless Tom Brady submitted this question, in which case, yes, our bond will make science work.)

How do I ask out the cute kid from section having barely ever spoken to him since the beginning of the year?

This is exactly the type of question we expect to see in this column. After all, a previously conducted survey shows that five out of the five students who read this column do so primarily for advice about their love lives (and yes, there are more than five people who read it.)

Your situation is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because, hey you’re in a class with your crush! Think about it, one March 11th night as you and your crush rely on each other to stay awake studying for that midterm in the most romantic of study locations (the Larsen Room in Lamont, duh), the sparks will fly and you’ll be thanking us all the way to your honeymoon. A curse because, no one ends up liking anyone in section. Either you participate too much and look like a know-it-all or you participate too little and look like a dunce.

So what should you do? Here’s our step-by-step guide to getting a 10 out of 10 for your graded assignment and for your love life.

Never actively participate in class, but always make it a point to chime in positively after your love interest has voice his or her opinion on the topic. A common opening phrase to use is “going off of what [insert name of ‘kid’] said…” But feel free to experiment with other transition phrases like “Kid brings up a really good point…” and “What my soon-to-be lover said is the right way to think about this emerging debate among scholars…”

Can’t muster the courage to regurgitate something that was just said by the previous speaker? Have no fear. Throwing a casual wink in the direction of your crush every time they participate is a surefire way to get attention. When the TF hands back assignments, grab your crush’s hand as they reach for their paper with a little ‘oops, excuse me.’ If you’re feeling adventurous, ‘accidentally’ grab your crush’s graded assignment as you rush out the door. Email them later about the ‘mixup’: “Hey, I accidentally took your assignment instead of mine. Meet me at Crema at 6 to exchange? And if 6 doesn’t work for you, how about 11 in my bedroom :)?”

Why is a convergent sequence also bounded?

The proof is trivial and is left to the reader as an exercise.

P.S. Maybe you would know the answer is you studied more math instead of spending your time on Flyby’s submission form. (On second thought, please read more Flyby and keep submitting questions. As unhelpful as we are, we are surely more helpful than real analysis. Also, Flyby is great. Check out this oldie but goodie.)

Guys, who had a more significant influence on country music, Me or Willie Nelson?

Willie Nelson. He has won 11 Grammy Awards and 9 Country Music Awards. He’s been inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame and the National Agricultural Hall of Fame. So unless Carrie Underwood reads Flyby, we’re going to stick with Willie Nelson.

Who do you think you are and what did you do with those Winthrop seniors I knew and loved?

So there's thing called graduating that seniors do. It doesn't mean they don't love you, they just don’t love you enough to stay or keep seeing you or keep talking to you. And although the M&M and wine markets of Cambridge have surely suffered immensely with the departure of Julia L. Ryan and Sara L. A. Erwin, it’s nothing compared to our loss. But we push on. Just like Alfred the butler tells Batman, “endure.” And endure we have. As far as we can tell, Sara is eloping with some guy named Jordan, and Julia is learning how to sail on the Atlantic. But judging by the contents of several of this week’s submissions, they both have plenty of time to submit questions to Listen Up, so they seem to be somewhat preserving their sanity.

And who are we? We’re just a couple of sophomores trying to fill the shoes of two angsty seniors. We’ll get there someday.

Are you Dev Patel like the actor?? I didn’t know you went to Harvard! I’d love to meet up for coffee or something so let me know :)

Believe it or not, it was not too long ago that a senior in Adams dining hall considered taking a photo with me due to my celebrity status. So I guess the answer is yes. (Just don’t tell Frieda.)

I’m a senior girl. Is it acceptable to hook up with sophomore guys, or is that straight cougar status?

As students at this esteemed institution, it is of utmost importance that we consult the existing literature on an issue before we seek to add to the growing body of knowledge. (Attention person who asked the question about the section crush: that sentence is a good example of what to say during section if you want to be hated by your crush in section).

Listen Up! has been consistent on this issue: no walks of shame from the Yard.

The most important piece of academic work in the last decade, How I Met Your Mother, establishes a clear mathematical formula for determining what a societally accepted age difference would be for hook-ups: Your hook-up’s age should be no less than your age, divided by 2, plus 7. [For readers out there who took Anthropology 1010 to fulfill their EMR requirement, that ends up being 17.5 years (which we will round up to 18 years for legal purposes) if you’re currently a 21-year-old senior and 18 years if you’re a 22-year-old senior.]

So senior girl, you seem to be in the clear. Most sophomores are older than 18.

In all honesty though, you should be able to hook-up with any person that you want that goes to this school without fear of being called a ‘cougar.’* Just make sure that it’s consensual and that you yourself are okay with the age difference.

*Unless you’re a forty-year-old woman taking CS50 through the Extension school on the prowl for a Harvard College sophomore. Then you’re definitely a cougar. No question.

Steven, what exactly is the status of your relationship with Dev A. Patel?

According to Steven: Acquaintances.
According to Dev: Lovers.
According to the general public: Best friends.
So you take your pick.

I have a slightly bigger frame, sometimes my friends refer to me as solid, sturdy, and “rock-like.” I feel like I need to go on a diet, what should I do?

First, get better friends. Steven and I are pretty lonely most of the time, we’re available as replacements.

Second, rocks are great. That one is definitely a compliment. Without them we wouldn’t have Quincy or Mather (okay, so maybe not a very compelling argument). But rocks gave us Stonehenge. And Stonehenge gave us this ridiculously good Ylvis song. Also, Pop Rocks. And the Thing in the Fantastic Four is clearly the second best of the Four (Jessica Alba takes first, but she’s an actual superhero in real life so that isn’t even fair).

Third, and most importantly, staying healthy is most important. As regular gym patrons ourselves (we won’t define “regular”), we advocate for healthy and hearty meals and regular exercise. Worst case, you can just walk to Mather a few times to reconnect with your fellow rocks, that’s quite a workout in itself.

Hi Dev and Steven, I just found out that one of my blockmates is transferring houses for next year. It’s a huge relief—I didn’t want to live with him—but what am I supposed to do until then? Any advice is appreciated!

It’s a tricky situation that you’re in. On one hand, you want to celebrate as much as possible that the weakest link in your blocking group has just left. On the other hand if your blockmate suspects that you’re happy about the situation he may give your bed the Yale-laundry-machine treatment as the final act in his or her reign of terror.

One thing to remember is that your blockmate can’t transfer back to your house for another year even if he wished. Take advantage of this fact by draping your room and yourself with House gear. Say you’re suddenly swelling with—let’s just make something up—Pfoho pride* ahead of Housing Day. Your blockmate will just have to accept that argument while at the same time you’ll have the pleasure of taunting him with all the things that he would be missing out on.**

*Attention freshman: Cabot, Currier, or Pfoho pride isn’t actually a thing. Don’t be fooled by what anyone else says. If they don’t have an advice column, they’re wrong.

**Again freshman: the blockmate wouldn’t be missing out on much.

Your biweekly advice gurus,
Steven and Dev

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