Super Bowl Recap

On February 1, the New England Patriots defeated the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 in Super Bowl XLIX. That’s the boring version of things. Try this: THE PATS WON, CUE THE DUCKBOATS. TB12 IS THE MOST HANDSOME MAN TO EVER WALK THE EARTH. Yes, this Recap is being written by an admittedly biased Pats fan, but your team didn’t just win the Super Bowl so deal with it. Here are a few things to note:

1. Can we just acknowledge how absurd it is that the Madden 2015 predicted the exact score of the game AND that the Patriots would be down 10 points after the 3rd quarter. Mark my words, this a sign that the machines are almost ready to take over. The plot of Terminator 2: Judgment Day should serve as a fairly accurate template for how that should play out.
2. Had the Patriots lost this game, this catch by Jermaine Kearse would haunt my dreams. That catch was absurd...like on par with the David Tyree helmet catch in Super Bowl XLII that murdered my dreams in 2008. A) Malcolm Butler’s coverage was immaculate, B) how did Duron Harmon not kick that ball out of the air when he jumped over Kearse?!?! and C) how did Kearse actually keep his eyes and hands on that ball while falling, getting rolled over, getting jumped over, and probably thinking about how he had just missed such an important pass?!?!?!
3. For anyone who isn’t from New England, I can only hope you get to experience something as satisfying as watching Roger Goodell hand Robert Kraft the Lombardi Trophy after hanging him out to dry for the past two weeks with this Deflategate nonsense…
1. And yes Deflategate was and is nonsense. If you ever want to lose the most demoralizing argument of your life, please please please find me on campus and argue that point with me.
4. Tom Brady and Bill Belichick have been to 6 Super Bowls (most in NFL history) and have won 4 (T-most in NFL history). Last night, Tom Brady set the all-time record for completions in a Super Bowl game with 37 and for career touchdown passes in a superbowl with 12 (Brady’s childhood idol Joe Montana is second with 11). The Patriots have the highest winning percentage in the NFL in the Brady-Belichick era. Say what you want about a “culture of cheating” (hint: they don’t actually have one, see 3a), but NO ONE has ever matched this tandem, especially not in the salary cap era where everything is set up to keep an NFL team from dynasty status.
5. Look, I love Richard Sherman. I loved him when he taunted TB12 back in 2012 (what 2nd year player has the balls to do that?). I loved him when he taunted Michael Crabtree last year (it’s football and that was hilarious, get over it). I also love that he was a great sport to Brady last night. But as much as I love Richard Sherman, no human being has ever been this sad -- like ever, in the history of mankind.
6. I won’t pile on to Pete Carroll for that horrendous play calling on the game-ending interception -- it’s not like I hold anything against the guy who was a crappy coach for the Patriots, then got USC stripped of their 2004 National Championship, then scampered off to Seattle where people now pretend he’s a good coach -- but WHAT THE HELL. Your running back is nicknamed Beast Mode and you’re on the 1 yard line. You have no wide receivers. The Patriots do have cornerbacks. Yet you throw the ball. If you can’t win the Patriots a Super Bowl as their head coach, you might as well win them one as the Seahawks’. Thanks, Petey.
7. For New England fans eager to celebrate and all the other peasants willing to pay tribute, the championship parade will be Wednesday, February 4th at 11 a.m. The parade will start at the Prudential Center and end at City Hall. Speculation: the parade already got postponed once, so keep a close eye out on Mayor Walsh’s announcements.

1. And yes Deflategate was and is nonsense. If you ever want to lose the most demoralizing argument of your life, please please please find me on campus and argue that point with me.