Listen Up! Finding Love in a Hopeless Place and Other Struggles

Why wouldn't you want to ask these two beautiful humans any and every question you have? By Caie C. Kelley and William C. Skinner

Dear Lonely Classmates of Harvard,

Welcome to the first re-vamped edition of Listen Up! After a short hiatus, we’re back on Flyby, this time with wiser, older (freshman) columnists in the form of Caie and Will.  We’ve been looking forward to hearing about the many struggles of the average college student here, and from the questions you’ve submitted, we haven’t been disappointed. From section crushes to inappropriate crushes to burgeoning real-life romance crushes, love is certainly in the air at Harvard, and in the name of all things Datamatch, we’re going to tackle these problems first:

I met a guy for 5 minutes last semester, and I immediately started crushing. He added me on Facebook over break, but we've had no contact otherwise - I don't even think we have any friends in common. How should I proceed? I really want to spend time with him.

Okay, there are a couple of ways to tackle this. First of all, utilize the network that is Harvard! Find him on Harvard’s Facebook, track down any and all mutual friends (they don’t need to be reaaaal friends) via Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook, and then use his @college.harvard email account to spam his inbox with invitations to attend “the largest science research conference” where he can “explore all the cutting-edge developments in the universe” aka you. After all, the real connections that last are from the people who send you so many emails that you’ve literally created a filter so that you don’t have to hear about their latest conference/performance/event/party/accomplishment.

Also, a classic excuse to chat if you see him is the Bump ‘N’ Chat™. When you see him in the Yard physically bump into him and then say “Hey, how are you?” Doing this immediately creates an excuse for casual conversation, a d-hall date, and maybe even his digits.

We really think the key here is to make yourself noticed– alternate your time between the d-halls and Lamont, and keep posting to Snapchat’s Campus story until all anyone ever gets to see are pictures of you wailing about your psets, falling into snow, or dancing around your dorm room. Submit to the Harvard Crush page fun facts about yourself, write a Harvardyak about how hot you are, and practice your bend-and-snaps in the Science Center. If Elle Woods could do it, so can you.

There is a cute girl in my entryway that I like, but I am afraid to make a move because I don't want to risk getting shut-down and then have to see her again all the time. Thoughts?

This one’s a tricky one. Entryway-cest is normally not recommended, because even though Harvard’s not high school, word still gets around and Harvard kids still often have nothing better to do than spread the news of who-is-hooking-up-with-whom. Our best recommendation is to take it slow. Since you probably know other girls in her entryway, field out some questions to her roommates/suitemates relating to what she thinks about you. Become even better friends with her, and see how it develops. If she’s not responding, try taking it to the next level by grabbing a meal with her in the dining hall. Show off your smooth moves as you seductively eat your swai-and-brown-rice combo, and then round out the night with a trip to the free ice-skating rink. Free ice-skating and dining hall food? Now that’s the secret to long-lasting love.

I have a crush on a guy but I am afraid that he thinks I friend-zoned him. I am not good with making the first move, but I really think he is special. How do I see what's going on in his head without potentially damaging the friendship?

Ah, the beloved friend-zone. There’s actually a really easy solution to this: fielding! Since you guys are good enough friends to be in the (debatably) magical land that is the “zone,” ask them about what he thinks of you and make it clear to them how you feel about him (don’t get too vague with words, ain’t nobody got time for that). If they don’t know, they will ask. We promise. At the same time, if we were you, we’d consider trapping him with the infamous 36 questions that have never ended with two people who aren’t in love. You can drop them casually and intermittently, like, “Oh hey, I see you’re working on your pset. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?” or “Cute sweater! Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing?”

My roommate doesn't use deodorant and smells disgusting. How do I encourage her to use hygiene products without explicitly stating that she smells bad?

Casually recommend that your roommate that read this Flyby post, and we’ll do the dirty work for you with a beautiful poem:

Dear Roommate, you’re really very nice, but your smell is a vice. Stop making me fear of lice, because I really don’t want to pay the price of having mice, or having a roommate who also operates as a contraceptive device. What I’m really trying to say is that it’d be as cool as ice if you just WORE DEODORANT.

Is it okay to ask an older girl out or is that still weird?

It’s only weird if you make it weird, so you do you. Just be confident. Honestly, with gap years, PG years, and skipped grades, you will find people at this school ages 14-25 (not even kidding, look at the hockey team.)

That’s all for now! Come back soon for our next installment of Listen Up!

Love,

Caie & Will

Submit your problems HERE!