Dear Professor Whom I Cannot Name Due to Fear of the Ad-Board,

Hi. You may not know me because I did not go to office hours and am in the bottom twentieth percentile of your class. I just want you to know that I am sincerely disappointed that I have not yet received my final course grade. I diligently crammed my Q in at 11:57 p.m. on the 20th of December, and I fully expected you to keep up your end of the deal and give me my grade before 2018.

Where my grades at?
Credit to Antonia Chan.

My parents (and I) question my legitimacy as a Harvard student as is. Do you really expect them to believe me when I tell them that my grade has not been posted yet? They are going to immediately assume that I tanked my GPA and am just scared to tell them. Yes, I understand that this is a fair assessment and will likely be the outcome I face after you actually give me my grade, but I would really appreciate you not tarnishing my character in the eyes of my parents.

If I can learn a millennium of ancient philosophy in six hours while wired on Red Bull and cold Fogbuster, you can give me a C over the span of two weeks. I am sorry if I sound needy now. It’s just that I am needy. There is a void in my heart and my transcript, and it is all your fault.

Three Crying Emojis,