Please, For the Love of All Things Good, Let Me Into Your Class

Make me as happy as this guy to learn! Preferably in your class! By Thomas W. Franck

Dear Professor of Limited Enrollment/Capacity Class I Really Need to Get Into,

Hi. I’m applying for your class firstly because there are only fifteen spots and I love to be disappointed. Secondly, I looked at courses.my.harvard.edu for a mind-numbing eight hours and could still only find three classes that were even marginally suited to my interests and concentration. Furthermore, because I never do shopping week correctly or pick a substantial amount of back-up classes, if I don’t get into this class, I have no choice but to take a massive lecture hall Gen Ed with a pun in the title (Pyramid Schemes, I’m looking at you). I really would prefer not to do that. So, I am here to beg and cry a little for your blessing and confirmation of my enrollment request.

Now I know I may not be the most qualified student out of the approximate three hundred individuals who showed up to the first meeting, but I guess I’m here to receive a transformative liberal arts education. Unfortunately, thus far I haven’t been able to get educated because I cannot get into any classes. This is one reason why I have no qualifications to take your class. If I get into this class, I will have at least something to talk about on my application when I foolishly repeat this shopping week stalemate scenario next semester. So, you’d really be doing me a huge favor, for which I will repay you by contributing once per class and doing at least one-third of the readings you assign!

I also don’t know why I’m being judged on the quality of the materials I submit, mostly because I’m taking this class because I don’t know the content, and therefore cannot produce the high quality material needed to get into the class. But, this class meets only once a week and I really need that right now, so I will absolutely send you an application full of deceit and ass-kissing. One day, I hope you’ll forgive me.

Also, because you will inevitably inform all the applicants only on Thursday whether or not they get in, I have no additional time to shop classes. And, like I stated previously, I am an incompetent buffoon who makes only bad decisions, so I will only have one confirmed class at that time, and it’ll likely be one of those lectures in the Science Center because they’re the only classes that will have me. Please, I really don’t want to take Stat 104. I am not cut out for math.

I would really just like to complete my degree with classes that don’t make me contemplate dropping out, and I feel like that’s not really asking for too much. I know the five class requirements needed for my secondary is a huge undertaking, but with your help I can complete it and have something else to add to the Saddest Resume in the Universe.

I will also give you $10.

Looking forward to the fake sympathy in your rejection email,

A Desperate Yet Deserving Harvard Undergraduate