How To: Enjoy The Game if You Hate Sports

By Eve S. Jones

If you’ve had even one conversation with me, you know I’m not into sports. But from that one conversation, you will also discern that I hate being left out. So, yes, you will find me in Allston’s pseudo-Colosseum on November 19. And if you, like me, don’t know what constitutes a touchdown nor why so many non-foot limbs are involved in football, read on for ways to not be mind-numbingly bored during our sporty storied tradition.

Make a bingo board

If you *peruse other Flyby articles,* you’ll see that there are certain things that happen at every Harvard football game. A sign referencing Legally Blonde, at least forty people in one section wearing the free One Crimson sweatshirt, a sign referencing Gilmore Girls and… the list goes on. If you can think of 25 of these things, put them all into a bingo board, and you’ll be entertained for hours! The secret is to include one thing that absolutely won’t happen so that the bingo game lasts the whole football game.

Listen to a podcast

Covertly slip an earbud in under your hat and listen to something that can actually entertain you. Serial is back these days, and I was riveted by season one. I also enjoy Normal Gossip and Las Culturistas. You could even listen to a New Yorker short story. Who said sports weren’t intellectual?

See how many waves you can start in a row

This one’s pretty self-explanatory. Fool everyone into thinking you have school spirit, then laugh at the sheeple.

Pick one player’s jersey number and follow them the whole game

It’s not stalking if you’re watching a spectator sport. Just choose a random number (I favor the date of my birthday) and silently root for them. Follow their ups and downs. Construct an imagined narrative of their psyche. Are they a first-year looking to prove themselves? A senior desperately fighting for their last chance at victory? Sorry, my English concentration is showing. This one is extra juicy if you choose someone on the opposite team, so you end up either happy your school won or happy your player won.


People exercise by running up and down the stadium’s steps every other day, so why not work out on Game Day? Maybe some people on the team are benched, but not you. Do a plank between two bleachers. Do a headstand. Go wild. And you can even get extra calorie-burning action from fighting against the current of students who are just trying to watch the game in peace.

Photoshop yourself into your friends’ photos and take the time to do your homework on an otherwise silent campus

Ok. I know I said I’d go to the game. But just imagine an empty Loker Reading Room. An abandoned d-hall. AN EMPTY YARD. If there’s photo evidence of you at the game, who’s to say you weren’t there? …no, I’ll go. I’ll go. But this is always an option…

… you know, inebriate yourself (responsibly).

But you didn’t hear it from me.

Try these on November 19, and thank me later NARPs. Who said jocks have all the fun?!

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