Budget Plinko, Part II: Shuttle Shafting

It appears that Dean Michael Smith and our buddies at FAS have finally let the chips fall. The budget cuts are out. Much like our friend Bob Barker, FlyBy lets you know if each cut is a winner, or worth sending home.

Its 2am on a Wednesday night in the middle of February and you have just spent the past twelve hours in Lamont writing a ten-page research paper. The cobblestoned streets outside are coated with that special Cambridge mix of a black ice, fresh sleet, and grimy snow. All you want to do is hitch a ride back to the quad on the warm shuttle and crawl under your covers. Well…too bad. Instead you are going to have to make that twelve-minute trek up Garden Street on foot. The Crimson broke the news that the university plans to trim shuttle services next year. Quad open lists EXPLODED with protest.

River open lists did not (they were gleefully giggling in the corner, though).

Some gems from house email threads after the jump.

CABOT

“Am I the only one disappointed that the proposed reduction in shuttles isn't accompanied by a proposed increase in university-issued jetpacks? Like c'mon, it's 2009 already. Where's my jetpack?”

“I am 5 Foot Tall and NOT a Ninja. So, if they at least leave the Van Service running I can live....otherwise expect to see me bruised and battered at UHS at least once a week.”

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH THE QUAD SUCKS THE QUAD SUCKS” (Hahaha, we already knew that.)

CURRIER

“i actually called one time last year at 1:45 am. they told me none of their escorts had come in that night. escort FAIL.”

“I seriously feel bad for everybody on CurrierWire that doesn't use gmail. Good luck to you all figuring out how this whole thread is going.” (If you don't use gmail, there are clearly bigger problems with your life.)

“Listen, all of you spoiled brats, STFU and stop spamming our mailboxes In the grand scheme of things, does any of this actually matter? The answer is ‘No.’” (This guy is always FlyBy's favorite on the email lists. Better or worse than section guy? We say worse...STFU and stop complaining about your mailbox getting spammed, at least.)

“Instead of cutting the library AND the shuttle, can't we just fire a bunch of Harvard workers?” (GASP! The audacity!)

PFOHO

“Please stop telling everyone to get bikes. It is stupid. If I wanted a damn bike, I'd have gotten one already. I don't want one. It's expensive, I can't carry stuff with me, it might get stolen, and when there is a blizzard on December 15 next year in the middle of finals, you won't be able to use it. You can't wear a suit or other dress clothes on one, especially in the winter when they will get ruined.” (Mckinsey's info sesh, 2:45am, Faculty Club)

“Just because you've never been mugged doesn't mean it doesn't happen. A guy like John might not have to worry too much, but what about a 100-pound girl? She's got to walk just as far. There aren't any special roads for her. And it isn't safe.” (Can we get special, predator-free roads for the ladies, please? Have Smith and Hammonds thought about this?)

At any rate, the best suggestion for how to balance out the unfair disadvantage that quadlings must bear thanks to reduced shuttle services was offered by a Pfoho resident:

Every day, each student in Adams should be required to donate thirty-two minutes to a Quadling, to be spent doing whatever a Quadling would otherwise have to do himself. This time quota can be fulfilled daily, or can be bundled into larger periods, at the discretion of the Adams resident. What, exactly, the time-tax is put to use will remain up to individual Quadlings. For instance, you may find it useful to employ your Adams resident to paint your room back to its original color, or to proofread your term paper. I intend to use my time-tax credit to make my Adams resident to walk in circles, alone.

I know what you're thinking: this is ridiculous! There are way more people in the Quad than in Adams! And you make a good point. Which is why we it only makes sense that we extend the time-tax to Lowell and Quincy residents, too.

I mean, fair is fair.