Seasonal Treats for the Busy, Broke and 'Culinarily Inept'


Nothing complements the fall spirit and curbs cravings for the sweet, nourishing comfort of home quite like food. If you, however, are living on a budget, juggling a heavy course load, and/or a danger to yourself and others in the kitchen (aka: a college student), it can seem like there is an insurmountable barrier between you and autumnal, edible bliss. So put down that HUDS blondie brownie (although we can’t guarantee fewer calories) and try these super fast, super affordable recipes that you would have to be a Yale student to mess up:

Candy Apples: Simple, classic, elegant. First, head to the closest dining hall and figure out how many apples you can steal in one fell swoop. It doesn’t even matter if you end up using them all. The important thing here is not how many you need, but rather how many you can get on your person at one time. This is also the most challenging step, seeing as pretty much all you do after that is dunk the contraband fruit in melted caramel and eat it off a stick awkwardly while trying not to make eye contact with anyone. To increase the difficulty level, steal some sprinkles (only feature at select dining halls), double points if you can do so without putting them in any sort of tupperware or bag, and throw them on there too.

S’mores Nachos: Smores? Good! Nachos? Bueno! S’mores Nachos? Amazing! While not the most alluring presentation-wise, these multicultural masterpieces step up the kitchen game because you may need more than just a microwave (if that exceeds your abilities, it’ll probably taste the same if you just put it in the microwave instead of a skillet anyway. Also, please seek some supervision before utilizing any appliances, and while you’re at it, also ask that person to teach you how to tie your shoes). Gather your typical s’more ingredients, layer them however you please, and just heat the crap out of them until it forms a gooey mess. Science: sloppiness varies proportionally to deliciousness.

Pumpkin Spice Mousse: This wouldn't be a fall recipe list without some pumpkin spice. All you have to do is sit your yoga pant-clad butt on your rightful throne of Basic Land, mix together some whipped cream cheese (cinnamon brown sugar flavored is best), normal whipped cream, and pumpkin pie filling. To be honest, though, unless you are just too committed to the basic life to make your own decisions, chocolate mousse is a thousand times better.

Candy Corn Bark: Do you have that one friend who always shames you while you enjoy a dessert by saying things like, “oh, it’s just so sweet” or “it’s too rich for me,” subsequently forcing you to pretend you weren’t going to each much more of it? If so, do not let that person anywhere near this treat. The basic premise here is to take sugar in the form of cookies (oreos), cover them in more sugar (melted white chocolate), and then top it off with the most embarrassingly sugary thing ever invented (candy corn). This saccharine abomination may seem uncalled for, but it’s a sure fire way to transport you back to your childhood, or at least to induce a sugar high worthy of making you run around until you vomit, just like you did when you were six years old.

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