“Say, that’s a swell idea! Let’s pour thousands of man-hours into a pointless, second-long display that will be the high point of our college lives!”
And thus was born, of a stormy night in New Haven, the plan that would bring the stalwarts of Harvard College to their knees (though others wrinkle their noses and say “smels like digital altering”). While the Bulldogs were thrashing the Crimson on the field, scoring three points while holding the Crimson offense to five touchdowns, a company of brave Elis crept into the stands and pulled off what was widely considered by them to be the best prank ever.
What project could possibly motivate these students to travel into the harsh light of day, probably for the first time in several years? Why, they made the Harvard fans hold up signs that said “WE SUCK” for at least the hundred thousandth of second needed to take the picture that graces the front page of the wittily titled www.harvardsucks.org. 20 Elis wearing “Harvard Pep Squad” t-shirts and claiming that they lived in “HoPfo” passed out 1800 pieces of paper to the home crowd, assuring the Harvard fans that they would spell out “GO HARVARD.” The fans, most of whom gave considerably less than a rat’s ass about the Pep Squad’s project, dutifully held up their signs for all the time it took to realize the greatest ambition of New Haven’s finest.
David Aulicino, a Yale senior, said that there were 20 students in the pep squad and “many other friends everywhere helping us to pull it off.” Perhaps most surprisingly, Michael Kai, also a Yale senior, said that he had Harvard support, and that “there was a guy in the band who helped me out getting into the stands.” But even more shocking than the revelation of traitors in our midst is the amount of resources that were spent to make the prank the “epic” success it was. With the amount of time and money that went into materials, preparation, and website maintenance, the Elis could have cured prostate cancer, brought lasting peace to Palestine, or transferred out of America’s Cesspit—New Haven, Conn. Instead, they chose the path to everlasting glory.
Aulicino and Kai claim that the reaction at Yale has been profound, as the campus finally got to taste victory at the Harvard-Yale game, something no current Yale student has ever experienced. The Yale fans attending the game also got to experience the primal rush of mob violence, as they stole Harvard’s flag and, in sportsmanlike fashion, proceeded to viciously beat the Harvard students trying to retrieve it.
In the end, then, Harvard shouldn’t be proud of its spectacular victory over Yale; rather, let it mourn its loss on the much more important field of overcomplicated pranks. Harvardsucks.org is inundated with comments, as the pranksters become inappropriately excited just thinking about their triumph.
Harvard itself is swamped with students getting back to their lives, with boring tasks like “homework” and “social interaction.” But as the Harvard Pep Squad will tell you, who needs lives when you have pranks?