Despite Fears of Grade Inflation, Harvard Students Only Average a B in Attractiveness

While Harvard students can count on a median grade of A- at the College to pad their egos, it seems that in the arena of physical appearance, many can only scrape a B. A recent report by BusinessInsider—a leading authority on the attractiveness of co-eds—ranks all eight Ivy League schools in “hotness” using impeccably culled data from College Prowler and DateMySchool.com's "National Hotness Index" (which is conveniently organized in a Google spreadsheet with lots of numbers).

Harvard College, whose “guys” and “girls” received ratings of B+ and C+, respectively, comes in second to last, followed in eighth place by a homely Columbia University. Brown, by contrast, leads the pack with A women and A- men, while the University of Pennsylvania finishes at a close second.

Skeptical of these so-called rankings, Flyby investigated further.

On College Prowler, a database that rates schools based on anonymous "student" responses, mixed opinions abound. “Taking into consideration that about 25 percent to 50 percent of [Harvard] students don't leave their rooms, the student population you actually see out is a fun, good-looking bunch,” writes one Prowler. With regards to the male population, another Prowler states it plainly: “Dorks. However, the women in Boston have impressed me. The guys are jerks.”

Yet despite the apparent gender disparity in hotness levels, Harvard males still seem to know where to go to find a suitable mate. “Since joining Harvard I've seriously improved my pillow-talk,” writes another contributor to College Prowler. “But usually with non-campus chicks with Headlamp eyes for the College. Where I used to try small talk the morning after, now I just scream at them to leave.”

At least Harvard offers variety. As one Prowler writes, “You've got your drop-dead-gorgeous, good-looking, okay, and dog-ugly.” Well, that just about covers it.

We at Harvard can, however, take solace in our victory over Columbia, the Plain Jane of the Ivy League. Columbia, which ranks 742nd in Friendliest Guys on College Prowler, earns a disappointing B- in looks for both genders. However, some Columbians prefer to ignore the mediocrity by focusing on their studies: “I wouldn't know. I didn't go to school to check out people,” writes one contributor to Columbia's Prowler page.

Columbia is like that acquaintance who, while not hot, is still a “nice person.” “Hot isn't the word I'd used to describe Columbians,” a Prowler explains. “We are better known for our ‘good personalities.’ You want hot? Head down to NYU.”

As for the Ivy League beauty pageant winner, Flyby can’t help but wonder what makes people think Brown is a veritable Garden of Eden for attractiveness. Brown’s College Prowler page elicits a showering of praise: “When I first got here, I was like, ‘Wow, everyone here is so attractive!'’’... “We're certainly hotter than Harvard or Columbia.”...“Beautiful women. So many beautiful women.”

Is this real? What are they smoking? Oh wait...