The Ones That Got Away: Yardfest Artists

Hands up if you're ready for round two!
Hands up if you're ready for round two! By Kirstin E. Anderson

Yardfest is coming upon us and as excited as we may be for Wale and Lil Yachty lighting up Tercentenary Theater, we can’t help but muse about what could’ve been...


Want all of the Top 40 hits at a fraction of the cost (and talent)? Sure, the lyrics are censored to the point of being unrecognizable, but we can’t tell through the alcohol and screaming.

The Fifth Runner up of The Voice

Look, Harvard’s economic troubles are hurting us all and we’ve got to cut some corners if we want to keep the lifestyle we’re used to. Want something even more economical and indie? Just make the openers the main event. Although, we will need new openers for the openers....

Tiesto again

Would anyone notice? If he plays different songs it’s basically a whole different concert. It’s all just background music for ignoring our essays and psets anyway. Does it really matter who presses that “play” button on the playlist?

One Hit Wonder (who only plays that one song they're famous for)

We don’t need a collection of bops, just one to get us through the afternoon. It might actually be better if we just stick to one tune so we don’t need to spend 45 minutes pretending we know their entire discography.

A boy/girl band (minus the one good person)

NSYNC but no JT. Spice Girls sans Victoria. Jonas Brothers but it's actually just Kevin. It’s the same catchy songs, just with less vocals. We’d barely notice the difference. In fact, we could literally replace all of the members and not be able to tell. That might actually be cheaper.

Look, no matter who headlines, Yardfest will have us all drunkenly screaming and jamming along. But if the CEB wants to start planning for 2019, these are all guaranteed to at least spark some controversy (if not excitement).

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