In early September, a tragedy occurred in dining halls across the campus. The death of lemonade occurred. It was silent, sudden, and secret. Most of all? It was SHAMEFUL.

Like a thief in the night, all of the Minute Maid lemonade dispensers adorned a new, haphazardly stuck-on “Powerade Lemon Lime” label. The once harmonious blend of real, concentrated lemon juice, pure filtered water, and yellow dye #5 was erased to “Less than 0.5% of Citric Acid,” “Electrolytes,” and “Water”...WATER! Not pure filtered water — oh, no — just water! This is a crime, a travesty, a bigger upset than the grade cap! (okay maybe not that big.)

As involved members of the Harvard community, we cannot stand for this injustice. We need to take back what is rightfully ours. We need to bring back lemonade.

Grievance #1

First of all, this new “Lemon Lime” Powerade is not a sufficient substitute for Minute Maid Lemonade. With a color I can only describe as “radioactive chartreuse” and a flavor reminiscent of what I imagine the mystery fluid wrung out of the Backrooms’ carpet to taste like, I cannot in good conscience endorse this false challenger to the throne.

For those of us who prefer to delude ourselves into thinking we eat and drink (relatively) healthily, our already limited options have shrunk yet again. I’m not about to make myself a post-apocalyptic, Fallout-esque Arnold Palmer. I can’t really enjoy my meal if I have to sip some Temu Gatorade with my Arroz Con Pollo or Bistek Tagalog. I cannot make a nice mocktail out of sparkling water, fruit juice, and Godzilla’s concentrated piss.

Grievance #2

Fellows of the Harvard class, allow me to appeal to your pathos for just a bit. Though my athletic career stopped short at the two semesters of recreational tennis in middle school before I left to pursue other ventures (nobody wants to play tennis in the Texas heat), I, too, understand the initial appeal of sports-related drinks such as Powerade. Its vibrant hues, its alluring flavor names, and the ads which depict Powerade as the drink of champions — what is not to love.

And as someone who doesn’t drink soda, it seems like an even bigger win. However, it’s not. It’s a loss. It’s a huge L, actually. From the first time I actually managed to hit the tennis ball over the net and got the chance to drink Powerade as an award, I was appalled. The taste truly revolted 12-year-old me and continues to revolt 19-year-old me. So, when I came to Harvard to pursue my non-athletic interests, and saw the Mountain Berry Blast Powerade as a drink amongst the soda options, I was shocked, but okay because I still had Minute Maid Lemonade. I could tolerate its existence or better yet ignore it as long as my drink was still there.

I can no longer ignore its existence as it actively encroaches on Minute Maid Lemonade’s territory. It is one thing to remove lemonade, but to replace it with a bastardized version? A glorified Kool-aid?? An industrial-grade Capri-Sun??? This is madness!

I only drink three beverages in the dhalls: water, lemonade, and occasionally the cranberry juice. I’m now limited to two and have updated my cranberry drinking status from occasionally to daily (at least I’ll never get a UTI?). I beseech you, bring back Lemonade for the picky drinkers in your life.

Grievance #3

I truly cannot stress enough that there’s already a Powerade flavor for student athletes and fitness LARPers alike. It’s called Blue! Actually, it’s called “Mountain Berry Blast,” but frankly I don’t care enough to use its government name.

If you want to drink a witch’s brew that contains 21 grams of added sugar per 12 fluid ounces, whose second-listed ingredient is “high fructose corn syrup,” you already have a perfectly good option! Don’t drag the rest of us into your self-flagellating beverage habits.

This is a very serious and on-going matter that needs to be treated with the respect that it deserves. Lemonade drinkers campus-wide have either gone into hiding in other non-soda beverages or have sadly fallen in line with the Powerade regime. However, enough is enough.

We urge campus leaders to focus their attention on this issue, and we’ll be holding Lemonade support groups for those personally affected by this tragedy.

Lemonade supporters: never stop chanting #BBL in your dhalls. Bring back lemonade, for all that is good in the world.