Fighting for a spot to land in the top 20% (+4) is no task for the faint of heart. A new proposal to cap the number of A grades is Harvard's solution to grade inflation through competition-maxxing. To get that A, be ready to cry, pray, and manipulate your way to attain such a position. It’s a dog-eat-dog world henceforth. May the odds be ever in your favor.

If you truly want to ensure you stay within that cap, it will take some sacrifices. As the competition has yet to begin, we feel obligated to provide some strategies (before we gatekeep them later—we want that 20% too, duh).

Send Fan Mail to the Dean of Undergraduate Education

Being a bit obsequious might earn you enough credit to obtain that A. Openly conveying your support for this policy reflects your loyalty to the College, and they’re going to remember that. If two equally worthy students are on the line for that last fourth add-on, don’t you think they would gravitate towards the one appreciative of the grading? Write an endearing letter that can be displayed on her wall like decor, and you’re golden. It’s most certainly going to flag you as worthy of earning high honors.

Spark Some Romance

No, not with your section crush. It’s time to capture the heart of that person standing between you and the top 20%. They’re on track to secure that A, and now all they need is a dash of love. This is where you come waltzing into their life, unleashing your uncontainable academic aura. Pull out those navy blues and browns, maybe even pop on some wire-frame glasses. Pretend that whatever’s being said in class isn’t going in one ear and out the other by constantly messaging your friends, typing and doodling, and taking paper notes. Make sure to look up and nod now and then. Once you have that 20% rival on the hook, all of their time (and grades, most importantly) will be going down the drain to pursue you. The flowers, chocolates, and free dinners coming your way will just be added bonuses.

Steal Any and All Scooters

If athletes are no longer able to influence the average grade curve, it’s best to look for alternatives. No one is more accustomed to competition than D1 recruits. Their whole speciality is literally trying to win things (unless it’s Harvard-Yale ofc). Removing their only means of transportation to class levels the playing field. It’s not like they are going to do the alternative: walk to class.

Sabotage Those Cheat Sheets

Cheat sheets are your competition's holy grail (or just textbooks jammed onto a page), so there are multiple ways you could go about this. Hack the printers so no one can print out anything. What’s that? Your friend did it the old-fashioned way and handwrote their cheat sheet? Ask them if you can study from it, and once it’s in your hands, take it for a walk in an East Coast drizzle. Or maybe it becomes left out in the snow. If they ask, tell your friend those wet marks are just tears shed from exam stress. And what kind of friend would they be if they blamed you for your waterworks?

Ad Board Bloodbath

It is our civic duty to report all academic dishonesty to get ahead in the class for the good of our College. Sitting in a lecture, and the kid in front of you pulls up ChatGPT? Ad Board. Friend “wants some extra help” with her pset? Ad Board. Establish no limits in reporting every slight trace of misconduct you encounter. Integrity will be rewarded with a shiny, crisp A on your transcript.

The Case of the Missing Dining Hall Cutlery

I don’t know about you, but I prefer going into an exam on a healthy dose of protein and carbs. By snagging all the cutlery, you can ensure that your competitors don’t have the equipment to spoon their gloopy oatmeal and stab into HUDS crumbly scrambled eggs. And, voilà, their A will be dropping just like their blood sugar during the test. Sure, desperate ones will dig into breakfast with their hands, but at least you’ll slow them down. Plus, nobody is awarding an A to an exam covered with grease stains. Have some decorum.

There you go! If you want to maintain your squeaky-clean reputation, we’ve provided some rather ethical solutions for you. You’re now equipped with what you need to know to claw, slide, and twirl your way to the top. The incoming 20% (+4) bloodbath warms our beating crimson hearts. <3