CAMBRIDGE, MA — In an effort to address growing concerns that its students are “deeply unsettling in conversation,” Harvard University announced Monday the launch of the Strategic Authenticity Initiative, a university-wide program designed to help students convincingly simulate being regular people.

The initiative, funded by three grants and one concerned parent, will offer workshops on:

1. Making eye contact without turning it into a networking opportunity

2. Having hobbies that are not a startup

3. Telling a story that does not end up in a LinkedIn article

“Employers told us our students are impressive but vaguely exhausting,” a spokesperson said. “We’re trying to round the edges without compromising the crest.”

Participants will undergo immersive training exercises, including:

1. Attending a party and not mentioning internships or a class

2. Responding “that’s crazy” without pivoting to themselves

3. Asking to get a meal without entering a yearlong diplomatic process

Early pilot programs have shown mixed results: one student successfully asked someone where they were from and did not follow up with “Wait, do you know—.” They later referred to the interaction as “high-impact.”

Meanwhile, Yale University admin dismissed the initiative as “performative,” before hosting a 90-minute discussion on whether authenticity is real.

At a morning press conference, Harvard confirmed that Phase II will focus on teaching students to laugh without mentally filing the moment under “personality” for their next pre-professional club comp.