It’s tanning season!

Despite Cambridge usually being cloudy, the number of days when the sun shines brighter than even the students here at Harvard is growing exponentially. And with the sun out, we’re more likely to wear less (how scandalous!) and tan our young bodies because, after all, you can never be too tan! Plus, you’re also getting vitamin D, and who doesn’t want “D”?

A light breeze provides the perfect amount of cooling, while also giving your look some drama by sweeping up your lustrous hair. The sun’s warm rays feel like they are actively tanning your skin. Finally, today is the day.

You’re thinking about them. It wouldn’t be bad to also get some vitamin “C.” You’re going to see them at dinner. At the dining hall. (whisper) How romantic! You walk past them, and they whip their head back to look at you. They gaze at you longingly before grabbing hold of your arm. They pull you closer, and their hands move along your arms to reach your- oh my god? What is that? Is that sandpaper?

They let go quickly and say they’re actually busy tonight. Well, you tried. In your efforts to become 2016 Ariana Grande, you experienced the negative side effects of the sun: skin damage. But don’t worry, I’m here to make sure your skin stays silky smooth. Before I begin, I am not a dermatologist (although my parents would love for me to be a doctor), so take everything with a grain of MSG.

Forget crocodile tears, let’s talk about crocodile skin!

Have you ever looked at your elbows? Let’s be real, I know you haven’t. But if you have, have you ever noticed how they sometimes look a little scaly?

And is that hyperpigmentation?

Although there are other possible causes of this rough patch of skin, such as friction, low humidity, or frequent showering, sometimes your elbows look like this simply because the sun is drying out your skin.

The best solution for your scaly problems is simple: moisturizing. Especially when dealing with hyperpigmentation, you’ll probably want to use a moisturizer, honestly anything will do. You also should exfoliate your elbows with sugar or instant coffee.

For your face, if it’s dry from all the vitamin D you’ve been soaking up (lol), I’d suggest using Physiogel Red Soothing Cream, which helps with dry, irritated skin. In my opinion, I’d hate to look like a crisp Hot Cheeto that’s been left out for a little too long, but if that’s what you want, who’s stopping you?

For those of us who don’t want our skin to look burnt and red, I use Dr. G R.E.D. Blemish Cream, which not only reduces redness but also takes care of those pesky pimples you might have.

I thought the Grand Canyon was in Arizona?

You’re drinking your morning coffee, holding it gently between your fragile fingers. You’re bundled up in a knitted cardigan, waiting to start your day as you look out your window from the cheapest riverside housing in Boston. You reminisce about your younger days. At least your wrinkles are proof that you’ve lived… I’m sorry, how old are you again?

20?

Wrinkles? At 20? Right… I guess some of us got the Prince William genes.

Personally, I think wrinkles are endearing—but probably not when we’re in our early 20s. Was the stress of midterm exams really that bad? Honestly, a good indicator of those brave souls in Orgo or Stats is apparent in the graying hair and excess of wrinkles. Whatever the case, you might want to handle that quickly. It would probably be best if you didn’t tan yourself to look like Donald Trump’s twin, but here we are, I guess (checks nails).

We’re a bit young, but you could probably start using some retinoids. I don’t use them because I’m literally 19, but hey, I’m not stopping you. Retinoids help decrease fine lines and stimulate collagen production. If you do decide to use them, don’t overdo it, because that can turn your skin into a war zone.

To be fair, I think a lot of skincare treatments meant to tighten your skin, or, in extreme cases, stop you from forming wrinkles altogether (like Botox), aren’t really necessary at all. Technically, we’re “adults,” but we shouldn’t be worrying that much about wrinkles yet. We’re still young. Go out and live a little.

Who wants a free tattoo?

Do you know what I love?

Cancer.

Wanna speedrun developing skin cancer? Get some tanning oil! Maybe buy 1,000 bottles and throw a party? You can even make little fun shapes by purposefully only using sunscreen on certain parts of your body. That’s it! It would be so fetch if you got one that looked like a secret Mickey or even a heart, because despite having a cancerous mole, you’re spreading the love!

Okay, now if you aren’t really in the mood for skin cancer, then you should be using sunscreen. Which sunscreen? Personally, I use Centella’s Hyalu-Cica sunscreen, which has SPF 50. I think it’s pretty lightweight, and it doesn’t really make your skin look greasy.

There is a downside. The sunscreen itself may leave a slight white cast, which might not be so great for melanated baddies. If you don’t wanna look like Flashback Mary or Druski impersonating Ms. Kirk, I would suggest using Murad Superactive Moisturizer SPF 50, which is arguably quite similar.

All in all, some of the skincare products I listed might not even work for you, for genetic or other reasons. In my case, I can’t use any Estée Lauder skincare products. Why? I like to think that my skin only accepts real luxury products (definitely not a financial issue). The only thing I really wanted to emphasize was how important it is to protect your skin. If you don’t use any other skincare products, PLEASE at least use sunscreen. Just make sure to stay safe out there, and don’t get swept up in the tanning craze or the anti-wrinkle craze, for that matter.

I mean, if you really want to tan, just do what everyone else does before prom and get a spray tan. Just don’t look like an Oompa Loompa by the end of it.

Toodles!