With an abundance of cheesy pick-up lines and heavily-armed nude flying babies, Valentine’s Day already crosses over into the somewhat absurd. But such absurdity is never best confronted alone. For this reason, FM brings you four tips for faking a relationship this February 14th. Hey, you may not be able to trick yourself into happiness on this fateful day, but you just might be able to trick others into thinking you’re not quite so alone.
Make Your Dog Your Valentine
What to do: When people ask you who those roses or that unusually large steak you are buying are for, you can simply say “my baby” or “my puppy.” This works especially well if your dog has a human name such as Todd or Zoe. Cutesy names work as well.
What to watch out for: The name “Mr. Bo-Jangles” might be a giveaway. Don’t reference the “accident” on your kitchen floor. Also, most romantic restaurants are not dog-friendly.
Have a “Long-Distance” Valentine
What to do: Simply tell people that your girl goes to Boston University. If people get curious, make up a vague major and name: “Karen majors in English.” Don’t say “concentrates.” The more bland you keep your Valentine, the more likely people will be to lose interest and walk away.
]What to watch out for: If you are worried about people somehow having a connection with nearby universities, move your Valentine somewhere even more remote than BU. North Dakota and Wyoming are nice, unpopulated places. Some will be so shocked that there are actually people living there that they won’t think to question your story.
Schedule a Lunch Meeting with Your Academic Advisor
What to do: Tell people you have a “hot date” and leave it at that. If you make it to a restaurant known for its spicy cuisine, this statement will also be true. Even if the date doesn’t go well, at least you’ll get some solid advice (and maybe indegestion) along the way.
What to watch out for: Make sure the date doesn’t go too well...That could make future meetings awkward.
Skip Class and Tell People you Have Mono
What to do: Announce that you have “the kissing disease.” People can assume the worst—or the best.
What to watch out for: Your lack of symptoms may give your story away. Also, telling people you have a disease might hurt your chances for getting a future Valentine.