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Off Key

This Is an Independent column and may not necessarily agree with CRIMSON editorial policy.


Midyear period or no midyear period, this world of ours continues its irresistible progress toward perdition. Herewith we append a brief survey of events in the world today, which, depending on your previous condition of servitude, you can lay at the door of (a.) the sit-down strikers, (b.) the weather man, or (c.) Madam Secretary Perkins.

Up The Creek

Diplomats boil over dearth of boiled shirts. The Moscow diplomatic corps has no clean stiff shirts, and no one in Moscow will promise better than thirty day service. U. S. Ambassador Davies is the only plenipotentiary with his own laundry, and he is precipitating the next world war by refusing to take in alien haberdashery.

Two Kansans have improved on Nimrod and the late Martin Johnson by developing a new method of rabbit hunting. They merely reach under rocks and grab whatever they can find. To date they score seven rabbits, have embarrassed no fellow Kansans.

Recognition comes late to all great inventors. In Maine it has just been discovered that the man who invented the hole in the doughnut has been dead fourteen years. He has, however, been nominated for the Hall of Fame.

Paralleling modern technological improvements, Nature too is speeding up. A Canadian lad has grown his fourth set of teeth at the age of twelve, and tulips are up already in Buffalo, New York. Science marches, on, and one Dr. Gamboa has discovered that the strength of a woman's handshake increases when she is pregnant. God knows why.

And in Germany the man with the little moustache is still building up national spirit for his next excursion in imperialism. Der Fuehrer has ordered photographers to refuse to photograph all family groups with less than four children, and has banned Sinclair Lewis' well-known best seller--"Das Ist Bei Uns Nicht Moeglich."

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