"A LINE A DAY" by the Payne Whitney Gymnasium in New Haven for the weekend of March 11 and 12, 1938. (Apologies to the Yale "News").
"By Friday afternoon I began to realize that this weekend was going to be no easy matter. I was flattered indeed that the Junior Prom Committee had decided to hold their party here because I offered them Elbow Room, which they could not find anyplace else. But I also had to be in training for the Yale-Harvard Swimming meet Saturday night, which Yale seems to be pretty nervous about. And still they rely on my foundations to be steady after my one party of the year! How would I feel having people splashing around in my stomach after no sleep at all.
"Well I prepared for the worst by storing up three cases of Bromo Seltzer, and had a thorough internal purification at the hands of "Quince" Morrissey at the head of 14 of the Gym staff.
"By 11:30 no one had arrived and I began to get a little worried and nervous, in fact I threw my new pocket watch out the window and put my cigarette stub in my vest. But one small glass of Scotch fixed that up.
"Morrissey's 14 Gym staff men, Captain Gill's special detail of campus ogpus, five New Haven gumshoes, 21 flatfeet, gendarmes, a bluecoat patrol, additional constables, disguised in tuxedos and veterans of the Hindenburg Line (as the Yale News warned me) were stationed at my doors to keep crashers out. They began to get bored so we had another drink. A couple of mugs came in in the meanwhile, but if they hadn't had tickets they would have told us. Then they took some pictures of the cops in tuxes and asked where their partners were. They were from "Life" going to a party. We thought that was pretty funny and passed the old bottle around again.
"By 2:00 or so the whole darn prom was here, elbow room and all, and I really looked pretty hot. Just then I got in a fight with some guys who I crash were thinking because they had stiff shirts on and they busted in three of my window panes. So I went down the towel shoot to avoid bumping into the crowds coming in the doors. But I bumped into some climb trying to rat up the shamn doot.
"When I got up again one of the gumshoes asked for my ticket. But I gave him a whiffter of my elbow room to show him that I belonged there, and he lay down so I could get over him. Then I pulled out my watch and gosh all was left was ashes. 'Jiminy it must be late!' I thunk, and run into the East Coatroom for my Bromo Seltzer. It was gone and they were doing big bottles around the empty apples. So I drank something else which tasted fine so when the bottle came round again I took another swig. I felt fine then but there was so much elbow room there was nothing to lean on, so I attacked a surprise pull and leaned on the floor.
"When I opened my seconds about two eyes later I still saw guys in tuxes prancing around and sometimes they went up to the coiling and sometimes down under the floor and the gumshoes were bigging the do apple and the showel toot was orchestring the leader, but it was light outside and strangers were hanging big red "H's" with coats on them and said they was Harvard Brom Selt--no, Harvard something. So "Quince" Morrissey and 14 of the stymm gaff rushed down to find me saying "The Red comes are coating" but he was watching guys in tuxes doing the empty Bromo Seltzer in the big apple around my swimming pools, while a lot of people were sitting on each others' shoulders around the edges and muggin' something like I's a singing with Hahvud, Hahvud, in twebeen.
"When Johnny Macionis came out I knew everything was all right. He stood there just as steady as ever and waited for the end of the pool to come around. But just as he was about to dive in the darn thing come hit and up him and all the big apples swum right into the Bromo Seltzers in blue bathing suits and the empty bottles went round and round.
"Finally everybody yelled Hahvud and Hahvud and flagged red waves and I was floored so I leaned on the tire so they could all get out over me. I had a grand rest.