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The History of Harvard's Commencement, Explained

From an Apocryphal Book

NO WRITER ATTRIBUTED

And the people of Babylon builded themselves a great hall. And it had pastel cinder block and great graffiti and many windows. And in it there was much feasting and loud voices.

Then into the hall came Argaman, the prophet of the Lord, and said: "Woe unto you people of Babylon, for you have sinned against the Lord. 'What use have I of great buildings,' saith the Lord, 'when my people know me not?'"

But the people of Babylon heeded not the words of the prophet, and brought harps and timbrel into their hall and played loud music. Then again came Argaman the prophet and said "Woe unto you people of Babylon for you mock the Lord with loud music. Surely your house shall be made a desolation."

But the people of Babylon laughed and said unto Argaman the prophet: "What are you, a nut or something?" And they played the music louder.

Then spake the Lord unto his servant Argaman and said: "Behold I shall smite the people of Babylon, for they know me not. They shall be consumed in a cloud of fire, every man, woman, and child. Yea, even their great hall I will destroy. I shall make of Babylon a desolation, and there will be much weeping and gnashing of teeth."

And He did so and there was.

REPENT, QUINCY HOUSE. STOP PIPING MUSIC INTO YOUR DINING HALL.

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