It's about time that I explain exactly how I determine, with such amazing accuracy, the outcome of each week's football games. I have therefore reproduced below the process used for each, game with today's clash between Harvard and Dartmouth as an example.
To begin with, both teams get a point for showing up at the game. The Columbia football squad is the only exception to that rule, scoring minus two just for coming to any given encounter.
Dartmouth gets three points because the game is played on its home field. Big Green fans are generally maniacs, harboring a beastly pride in their ballplayers. One more point for that.
Harvard gets one point for being nice enough to travel all the way to Hanover, N.H., just to play a football game. The current sub-total tabulation of the preliminary statistical outlook shows Dartmouth with a 5-2 lead.
Harvard picks up four points for having a team with a very good offense, while Dartmouth scores only one. The Big Green defense nets two, Harvard's one.
Crimson coach Joe Restic is a nice guy, adding two points to his team. Dartmouth mentor Jake Crouthamel may be a good guy too, but I don't know him. No points there.
That concludes my study of the nitty-gritty factors involved in a football game. With Harvard in front by a scant 9-8, we now move on to the more intangible concerns, things that even the most keen prognosticator might overlook.
Harvard picks up five big points for the fact that it has intelligent gentlemen playing the game. Dartmouth loses three for the opposite reason.
Four points for to Dartmouth for its nifty substitution of a balloon for the football on Harvard's offensive plays. Two points for the supply of contaminated water on the Harvard side of the field, and one for the omission of benches for the Crimson to sit on.
Cambridge is a more interesting place to live in than Hanover. That point, plus three more for the superior music the Harvard band plays, reveals a determinant matrix showing Harvard with an 18-12 lead.
Now for the final, crucial factor.
I think that Harvard will win by around 12 points. Divide that by two, and add that to the Harvard total, giving you twice the final Dartmouth total of 12 which is half of what I think Harvard will end up with.
Add the two totals together and you get 36, which is coincidentally the number of months contained in a period of three years and the number of baseballs you have when you get three dozen. The final score will be 24-12.
It is quite clear that the analytical system above depends on many factors, a good number of which I have not even thought of. Just the same, it's Harvard by 12.
My painstaking formula has also helped me arrive at the results of the other contests today:
PRINCETON-PENNSYLVANIA--There is no question that somebody should remind the Princeton Tigers what losing is all about. Both teams sport identical 3-0-1 records, but the Tigers have yet to come up against a team with a truly powerful offense. And Penn has just that. Bellizeare & Co. over Snickenberger & Friends. Penn 24, Princeton 16.
BUCKNELL-COLUMBIA--I'm bored even thinking about this game. Both teams finally get a chance to win for a change. The saddest part is that this memorable clash might end in tie, and we will never really know for sure who is worse. Bucknell 23, Columbia 21.
YALE-CORNELL--Anybody who saw last week's game at Soldiers' Field is aware that Cornell has an immensely talented football team. Emotionally, though, the outcome of the contest may have been a real killer. Don Fanelli is out with a bone chip in his knee, so Yale should prove to be a little too strong Yale 29, Cornell 21.
BROWN gets a week off for rest and recuperation.
Last week--3 for 5. On the year, 15 right, 6 wrong,. 714.