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Benedictus Erroneous


By Nicholas J.S. Christenfeld and Paul DUKE Jr.

TODAY in Washington the Rev. Peter J. Gomes, the minister of Memorial Church, will deliver the deliver. The Crimson has obtained a rough draft of the address, apparently written in the Reverend's own hand, though, admittedly, no one here has ever seen the Reverend's handwriting. The Rev. Gomes, well-known to Harvard students for his eloquence, undoubtedly would have had very little to say had we contacted him about this document, so we did not. It is to be assumed that he will make certain revisions to this text before today's ceremony, but other portions--"Our Father, who art in heaven..." "Dear Lord..." "Praise unto Him..." and "Let's here it for the Gipper!"--will surely remain.

Our father, who art in heaven, please let President Reagan spend the next four years filling his time capsule with peace and abundance, with recovery and prosperity for all.

And father, please let not my liberal colleagues in Cambridge deem my appearance here as anything more than it is: but only an opportunity to address millions and millions of people who, most likely, would never have entered my humble Church and therefore might never have heard--well, of me.

Let the president balance the books with more aplomb than in the first term and don't let that Laffer curve confuse our dear president any more than necessary.

And, please dear Lord, let me avoid all silly Lafferesque puns that might make me into the Laffing stock of the Capital--to there Lord, I err already.

Let him navigate smoothly through his Cains and Abvis, 'tween Weinberger and Schultz, 'tween Burt and Porie, lest administrative squabbles divert his attention from the needs of the nation.

Oh, Lord, let him understand my Biblical references, and not say absentmindedly to Stockman, "Yes, the Reverend speaks words of wisdom--keep both Cain and Abel away from me."

Fill the president with mercy for those less fortunate--perhaps a pardon for John Zaccaro, and the citizens of Minnesota and the District of Columbia.

Let him watch over America's family with grace and kindness, and with--forgive him O Lord--a little more care than he has shown for his son Michael and his grandchild.

Lord, remind me to excise that last verse before Monday. They tell me he has a sense of humor, but who am I to test it?

Let the president spread his anecdotes unto the world, and should the TelePromp Ter fail, may Nancy be always at his side with a lively "We're doing all we can."

Let no Libyan jets of Lebanese faction disturbs the president's blissful slumber. As Arlo Guthrie has said unto us.

"The more he sleeps, the safer we are."

Let Guthri's proclaim to the world: behold before ye a man who spans the generation and who quotes both the Lord and Guthrie.

Grant our Supreme-Court justices long lives, Lord, but barring that, grant the president, as he selects new justices, the wisdom of Solomon and, to protect against entreaties from Jerry Falwell, a deaf right ear.

I said, "'A deaf right ear,' Mr. President." (Good Lord, but Thou doth work quickly).

And send the president to church more often.

In closing, as the president drives down that highway along the California coast, grant him moments not only to balance the budget and halt the arms race, but also to relax on the ranch before Sandy Vanocur cuts in and tells him time has run out.

Lord, let's hear it for the Gipper.

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