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A Christmas Hit List


THE SNOW'S a mere dusting, the sky's a bleak gray And finals are just a short four weeks away; The coffee's been flowing, the ashtray o'erflows And how it will end only the Senior Tutor knows. But it's time, tired readers; it's that time of year To close all the books, and spread some good cheer: Shut off the typewriter, sit back and relax As out come our presents, and down swings the axe. Your papers are due, your plane leaves at three, But first we'll reveal what lies under our tree. For before we depart for regions far hence, Our wishes for the New Year we'd like to dispense.

FOR OUR FRIENDS in UHall, we've packed full our sled With gifts for the group newly joined by L.Fred. To the new dean we're happy to offer our cheer For a term without scandal, and alcohol-free beer. Our pal Archie Epps deserves something new: A break from the grind, a year off or two. We hear you, Steve Ozment; too bad we're alone--About our education you care, and with us you moan Of arbitrary grading and professors who bore, So to you our thanks; of action let's see more.

JOHN MARQUAND'S still'round, and that's no surprise; To him a Tommy's Special, a cheesesteak and fries. To dear dean Dean Whitla, some brand new red pencils But watch out, CUE editors, and stash all those stencils. And let's not forget that tall guy, John Fox: We'd love still to schmooze, have long detailed talks. But he won't anymore, so we shift our greetings To Sally Falk Moore, who seems always in meetings. To Davis, Dingman, and Ellen Porter Honnett A vocabulary lacking the two words "no comment." A salute to Mike Spence, now entering year two But tell us, please, when we can talk to you. In between your games of tennis and squash We offer you one more faculty scandal to quash.

DEREK C. BOK trekked to the Capitol and back To fight the good fight against a student aid hack. In front of our Reps on South Africa, too, Fair Derek spoke well on the apartheid to-do. Well, Derek, we salute your private position; But what of divestment and better conditions? Your long-winded letters and funding for study Just don't pack the punch of withdrawal of money. To Harvard alum Cap Weinberger (the "Knife") A few tips on your country's "quality of life": Children are hungry, families grow cold While merchants of death can't spend all their gold. Watch out, you old grad from long past ('38)--To Managua we send you for a Sandinist date.

INSIDE THE BELTWAY, the chaos has reigned, As Congress and Prexy have battled in vain. "Cut here, cut there," our leader opined But kudos to Tipster for holding the line. Things that go "boom" have been much in the news, But Ronnie and Misha took too long to schmooze. Both top bananas get thorns for delay In meeting each other for a moot nuke nay-say. A wide-open range awaits Lucky the dog, In Ronnie's agenda he won't be a cog. To his master we offer the same one-way flight As far west as need be to get out of sight The shine of Raisa put Nancy in shadow, Wowing the press but not cooling bravado. Rhetorical barbs continue to fly East to West, West to East--thorns to both sides.

WE KIDS SAY "hi" back to Nadav Safran Who handled the CIA with such great elan. To you we proffer our young butts to kick, A sleighful of insults, and a conscience to prick. And what of Doug Hibbs, who's been kicked out of Eden On "medical leave" from Berlin to Sweden? Here's a new playground for you to find kicks; Have you considered a position with the New York Knicks? And to the entire Gov Department a graduate class Not filled with women all charging "harass!" To chairman Bob Putnam, six pounds of patience--He'll need it to deal with department relations.

TO THE SEVEN members of the stoic CRR Who took so long but didn't go so far The gifts we offer you are only three Objectivity, efficiency, legitimacy. To counsel Marty Michaelson, a most secretive feller We give Milo Minderbinder from the pen of Joe Heller To V.P. O'Brien, a high-yieldin' sock Full of options and bonds and hallucinogen stock To VES's Steve Eagle, a short stay in the slammer And a few new subscriptions--of course, in brown wrappers.

TO BOTH SOCCER squads we donate heavy boots For seasons bogged down, many games turning moot; And to dear Coach Restic, a Yale-buster shirt Although the Eli's trampled the gridders in the dirt. A hearty goodbye to hoop's Frank McLaughlin; To Pete Roby--a tenderizer, for fans' hearts to soften. And to women's mentor, Kathy D. Smith A center to snare the Ivy title with. To the Celts, the big gift is a pack of No-Doz To fight off the boredom the regular season holds. And to the poor Pats, stuck out in the cold--Some guts, a defense, and in the playoffs you're gold.

FOR THE FACULTY north of the Yard, left and right A hatchet to bury--let's end the long fight. For others, including those battling apartheid Keep up the good fight; you know we're on your side. Our dining hall workers, and all Harvard crew: A well-deserved respite we wish unto you. May more bubbly flow for the Sackler folks, And let's put an end to the stupid bridge jokes. A break for a change goes to tenants embattled With HRE's plans may you no longer be saddled.

ABONG FOR McKinney (our green-thumb friend, Larry) Too bad of your scheme Harvard found itself wary. For ghost-ridden common room dwellers a wink, And for all autumn-lovers a pumpkin-filled sink. For upperclass prefects a few good cold showers, And a few common rooms for the Mather gang's towers. An off-campus shelter for each Cabot dweller--And a quick painless end to the noise in the cellar. Some new ideas for the House Committees Who can't hold keg parties in such a strict city, And for all those upholding the laws against drink A gallon of New Coke (to pour down the sink).

FOR PATRICK Sorrento a new box of cigars And an end to that hassle that started with cars. For Brian M. Byrne, a smooth-running press, And competent prufers who don't buckle from stress. Liz Woodley we wish a year without flak--And a jackpot in Jersey next time you go back. For Kenny, Charles, Shoma, and all who toil here A hassle-free, late-night-free, all-star year. To all of our readers, detractors and fans A happy conclusion to holiday plans And on your return a few do-able tests, Followed up finally with some well-earned rest. A fun second semester, filled with yuks, And a springtime subscription--for only 10 bucks. Season's greetings to all and to all good cheer, Happy Christmas, Chanukah, Ramadan and New Year.

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