A Call to Arms

I T IS GOOD that America has undertaken a massive arms buildup, for now if soldiers from a foreign country attempt to do a bad thing to us we can shoot them hard in their bodies with a gun. If they are still breathing, we must be sure that there are still enough extra bullets to shoot them again, perhaps in their legs in order to induce fatal bleeding.

Hopefully these tactics will cause our enemies to die or, at the very least, make them sad. Either way, having so many potentially painful and expensive leaden objects in our arsenal is the only thing that allows us as Americans to sleep well at night, even though that kid with the stereo through my firedoor keeps me awake anyway.

We have to be wary of those people from other countries who don exotic clothing and chant anti-American slogans in strange and often annoying languages. I have parties to attend and homework to do. I really don't have time to deal with people who want to see me dead.

It has often been suggested by weak-minded theologians that we should abandon violent confrontation and settle our disputes through conversation or by playing a game of some sort, but this is foolish for we would still need an arms buildup in order to kill the enemy in case they cheated.

Furthermore, it is difficult to arrange meetings between people of different countries because of the vast time zone discrepancies that no one really understands unless he has one of those geeky watches. And, of course, no self-respecting leader would be caught wearing a geeky watch nowadays when the media is everywhere.

SO IT SEEMS that we are trapped in an infinitely spiraling dooms-day machine project that will surely lead to the eventual destruction of the human species as we know it. And hopefully we'll take home shopping networks and cheez-whiz with us when we go. Sad though this destiny may be, if it's going to happen anyway, we might as well make some money off of it.

Indeed, ever since Man found it necessary to defend himself, people have been making a good living off of our innate biological desire to harm each other. Early scientists were paid well by the government for conducting research in pit development. The first attempts with pit technology entailed the digging of great holes in the earth, and then luring their enemies inside by placing cod scallop meat at the bottom. Yet this method proved ineffectual, for even back then no one really cared for the taste of this queer delicacy.

Eventually, a brilliant young mathematician named Org discovered that laying branches over the pit was the answer. Although this method of warfare soon became obsolete--in the early 1900s the Russians officially banned us from going into their country and digging these dangerous pits--the demand for additional weaponry continued to rise steadily.

Today, many scientists receive money for researching things that, if used correctly, could really hurt someone. It is troubling that scientists get all of the money the government allots for defense research. Neglected entirely is the sheer destructive potential of the humanities specialist.

Scientists should not be given a monopoly on defense money, especially when they, as a whole, are plagued with far more acne than other people of the same age. The untapped creative potential for weapon production has too long been stifled by reliance upon the traditional scientific perpective.

RATHER THAN destroying a city in the old scientific style, an English major might suggest sending a Harvard professor behind enemy lines to broadcast lectures on the use of the word "the" as traced through Milton's Paradise Lost. When everyone in the enemy country falls asleep, we could then run in and wreak havok by painting every third house magenta, or possibly mauve.

Since weapon-making seems to be one of the major human pastimes, if we are to develop culturally in this atmosphere we must develop ways to express ourselves through our weapons. Maybe each concentration at Harvard could develop its own weapon type, and we could then have contests and exhibits.

Of course, the transition from science weapons to humanities weapons won't be easy. Yet we cannot simply continue to build upon what already exists; instead we must start again from the beginning. We could start by taking the large craters caused by the scientists' bombs and covering them with sticks.