From the Berkshires to Boston, from Bangor to Buzzards Bay, the calm of winter is interrupted by cries of dread and despair.
Don't do it, Bruce. Just don't.
Rumor has it that Boston Red Sox lefty pitcher Bruce Hurst is ready to skip town. Despite the competitive offer from the Old Towne Team, the 18-game winner and best Sox southpaw in decades is leaning toward accepting an offer from the San Diego Padres. San Diego?
Don't do it, Bruce. Have a heart.
The police department is barricading the Prudential Center and the Hancock Tower against the estimated 300,000 who have threatened to jump if Bruce leaves. Hordes of Red Sox fans have assembled on the banks of the Charles, pledging to swim in the sludge if Hurst flies the coop.
Worse yet, another mob, including a fellow named Michael Dukakis, stands on Long Wharf, poised to plunge into what the president-elect calls the most polluted body of water in America.
Don't do it, Bruce. Please don't.
Remember Brian Wilson? The guy who lost his legs trying to stop nuclear weapons from being transported by train? Well, 20 diehard fans are squatting on the tracks at North and South Station. They won't let any trains go by.
Have pity, Bruce. Don't do it.
A crowd has gathered at Fenway Park. More people than were in line for playoff tickets. How much danger is the sacred diamond in? I shudder to think. Let's just say that a van marked "Libyan Terrorist Squad" is parked on Lansdowne Street.
Even Boston Garden is under siege. The rumor is that the people with the TNT are actually Bruins and Celtics fans who just want a new Garden.
"We don't care if the Bruins have to play on the river when it freezes," one indignant protester said, "So long as Bruce stays in Boston."
Don't do it, Bruce. It's not worth all this.
The panic has spread beyond the common fan. The state legislature is in emergency session. They're voting to donate their salaries to Bruce if he stays. Massachusetts Lt. Gov. Evelyn Murphy offers to give him her new car. Gov. Dukakis offers his T pass if he stays.
Raytheon Corporation has installed one of its missile systems, all set to fire.