October always brings the same thing to Harvard--and we at Dartboard don't mean Halloween. We mean popularity contests. So-called "elections" for the Undergraduate Council and Class Marshals make even houses other than Winthrop feel like high school again.
The tired sameness and poor turnout return year after year. Read those position papers, once again promising cable in your dorm and longer library hours! Scan those beaming faces in The Crimson, all looking to capture your vote!
We at Dartboard are always happy to hear frank talk about fire safety.
To be honest, it doesn't matter at all what clubs the Marshals joined or what issues the council candidates champion. Both of these contests should dwell solely on one issue: looks.
Let's be honest. The Class Marshals only matter when they're marching ahead of you, showing their faces to your parents, friends and local television affiliates. Don't you want all the world to think that your class embodies the virtues of a latter-day Montgomery Clift and Grace Kelly? (That's a modern-day Denzel Washington or Uma Thurman.)
It's more than likely that you won't ever have met your Class Marshals, so they might as well have looks a whole nation can love.
Of course, council members aren't good for much more than pretty faces either. It never matters who's in office; the scandals, ineffectuality and blaring headlines always persist.
Thus, you should make improvements the only way you can--by putting nice photos next to those news stories. After all, why put up with the ugly mug of a typical old boy, dragon lady or bloated plutocrat? With your vote, the morning paper can greet you with the shining visages of Harvard's own Sharon Stone and Brad Pitt!
When you vote for the Undergraduate Council or Class Marshal, you're only choosing a figurehead. It's time council position papers came with photos as well. The Class Marshal people figured that out already.
We don't need any hypocritical notions of wishing for world peace or playing the violin in these two beauty contests--a headshot will do nicely.