Take the G-Train

Editorial update. Here at home-sweet-Harvard, we're in favor of sobriety, laptops, Hist-and-Lit concentrators (because FM wishes them support on their last days in thesis purgatory), John Aboud's eyebrows and live music in dorm rooms.

We're not in favor of the Link (the magazine, not the physical structure connecting two science labs), Hist-and-Lit concentrators (because FM's pissed that it's not done with its thesis), and complaining (who cares about your damn thesis anyway?).

As our ever-perceptive eyes scan the American tundra, we find ourselves, in favor of the Cowboy junkies, William Vollman and, as always, Tonya Harding.

On the other hand, we vote to abolish, Nancy Kerrigan (open your damn mouth when you talk, will you?) and fortysomethings who refer to the Clinton as "Bill and Hillary."

The mainstream media has been dishing up the dirt lately, much to our untrammeled glee. For example:

--A New York Times story a couple weeks ago about the opening of the Chunnel--the wittily named tunnel under the English Channel--reported that the English are disgruntled about the impending arrival of hordes of "garlic-breathed" French. When Francois Mitterand visited Great Britain to participate in the project's ground-breaking ceremony, he was greeted with cries of "Froggy! Froggy! Froggy! Out! Out! Out!"

--A profile of Greta Garbo in February's Vanity Fair, which focused mainly on the years of her reclusion in a New York penthouse, revealed among other things that the withered beauty kept a dozen Russ Tolls under her divan, which she arranged daily in various tableaux. Apparently, she just wanted to be left alone...with her trolls.

--Mexican rebel leader Subcomandante Marcos has become such a folk hero that some of his enterprising countrymen are manufacturing condoms adomed with his romanticized image, The Times reported Sunday. "We love them," a Marcos spokesperson was quoted as saying, sarcastically.

--The latest trend in LA is anti-depressant jewelry, according to W, the glossy version of Women's Wear Daily. Always willing to go that extra mile for their metaphysical well-being, Californians are adoming themselves with gold and silver-plated replicas of Prozac and Zoloft tablets.

--Last Sunday, the semi-annual Fashions of The Times magazine hit the stands-always an exciting occurrence. This supplement surprisingly diverges from the Times's traditional style, including as it does a fashion spread entitled "Let Fantasy Fly," which pictures models floating around in the sky, decked out in couture assemblages. The Weirdest shot is of a model in a $1,900 Todd Oldham evening coat who looks like she's about to land on a horse.

--A recent story in The Times reported on a new alliance between the Zulu prime minister and the nation's president, who has traditionally held only a ceremonial position. Until recently, the two heads of state had a contentious relationship. The Times reports that on one occasion a while back, the prime minister made fun of the president at a public gathering, causing the latter such shame that he burst into tears, covered his face with his hands, jumped off the dais and ran away.

--We had reason to think recently bout one of our all-time favorite news stories, which ran in the LA. Times sometime last year. The story was about a protest at the White House for disclosure of information about alleged extraterrestrial visits to earth. The protestors' chants included: "UFO! UFO! The people have the right to know!" and "Stop the cosmic Watergate! Stop the cosmic Watergate!"

FM has just discovered a new taste sensation: try chewing on some regular-flavored Extra sugar-free gum before diving into your White Rum ice cream from Herrell's, and you wind up with a taste that smacks vaguely of--yum--mayonnaise.

The "if we send your our tunes, should we send you our Simpsons or our Partridges" department the newest nationally circulated college mag. The Link, arrived in dorms around the country this week. Their music reviews, curiously enough, are rated according to a sliding family-sitcom scale; this week, every album reviewed scored a "Brady" or above (the highest rating is "Simpson," the lowest rating is "Cleaver"). FM guessed that the albums were judged according to what sort of families would listen to them, with the Simpsons tuning in to Elvis Costello and the Partridges preferring the intense emotion of Tori Amos.

In addition to their mix-and-match approach to different forms of entertainment. The Link seemed to jump at every chance to show they're on the cutting edge of both media culture and digital communications. The Link advertises itself on the bottom of many pages as "LINK digital mag." One blurb reads: "Want to read more reviews, tour dates, release schedules, vote for your fave new CD?" Another urges readers to "Be the mag at 317-465-9455...or spin us some messages at editor@linkmag.com (And if you're playin' in the band, send us your tunes)."

The newly christened Link got FM thinking that publications don't have to depend on massive door drops for widespread circulation. After pausing from its thesis for long enough to catch up on some Sunday reading FM had this to say:

In: Spin (William Vollman), The New Yorker (yeah, Tinal), Wired, Vanity Fair.

Out: Zines, Raygun, Rolling Stone, Sassy (think about the Sassy of today running their now infamous "How To Masturbate" article. Just think about it, and admit no way it'd happen any more).

R.I.P.: Spy.