DAMN SOPHOMORE, BUY A BIKE!

At 9:45 a.m. on most weekdays, the starts and driveway in front of Currier House groan with the collected weight of dozens of Quad residents. The occasion is not the opening of a Broadway show, nor even the Primal Scream, but the mundane wait for the arrival of a shuttle bus. There are shuttles at 9:45, 9:50 and 9:55 a.m., but to make sure you get to class on time, you should probably take the 9:35 a.m. shuttle. Why? Because students waiting for the later shuttles resemble nothing so much as a pack of hungry wolves.

At the moment that red-and-white bus rounds the corner, the mass on the stairs moves toward the pavement. The opportunists act like snakes, slithering around the horde to get the best seat on the bus. The slightly pushy edge toward the front of the crowd, hoping to jettison their way through, but at the same time hoping no one notices them. Those less adept at making their way through crowds are left to wait, forlorn, on the steps, watching the shuttle bus fill up and knowing it will not have room for them. And this happens on days when the temperature is 70 degrees and not a drop of precipitation hangs in the air.

These huddled masses waiting for the shuttle are a new and unsightly phenomenon. It used to be, back in the old days of last year, that you could saunter up the stairs from breakfast at 9:52 and still secure a place on the 9:55 shuttle, getting to Mass. Ave. by 10 and to class by 10:05. No more. It's a jungle out there.

Theories abound on why the numbers have increased so abruptly. It seems to be a combination of two factors the graduation of many seniors who did not ride the shuttle as a matter of ride and the randomization of hundreds of sophomores into the Quad. Having been banished to the north by Harvard, these sophomores likely feel it is their right and privilege to take full advantage of Harvard's resources, not least of which are the shuttle buses.

Many probably wonder why we can't simply walk. We can, but when you lose out on the 9:55 shuttle and decide to walk and have a class in Emerson, you won't get there until 10:10, long after all the seats are taken and probably after the head TF has announced all the secrets to writing your first paper. The shuttle has failed you, and you are left to your own paltry resources.

But there is hope. According to knowledgeable sources, two bike shops call the area on Mass. Ave. near the Quad home. They sell bikes for fairly cheap prices. The bikes even work. To all the sophomores and others who are crowding the shuttles: Go there today. Bite the bullet and buy a bike. You can't stay in denial of the Quad forever.

If you don't, I can't imagine what will happen when snow starts to fall, the temperature starts to drop and Quadlings start to hibernate. The shuttle bus lines will begin to look like a bread riot. But there won't be any bread, because it will be winter in Boston. And the riot will be pointless, because it won't create any more seats on the shuttle. We'll all be cold and hungry, selling our souls for precious standing room in the aisles. To this will we be reduced.