Valentines And Veritas: Love Is Colorblind

Most students might hesitate to discuss the intimate details of their love lives.

But when talk turns to interracial relationships, to dating students of a different race or ethnicity, some students eagerly describe their own varied experiences and the conclusions they've drawn along the way.

During his senior year at high school, Stephen R. Jemison '00, a black student, began to date women of a different ethnic background. It was then, Jemison recalls, that he first noticed the way what one values in a loved one almost inevitably transcends racial divides.

"I realized what was important," Jemison says. "All those things we look for, like love, don't have a specific ethnicity."

Now Jemison says he won't rule out a date based on ethnicity alone.

"I'm pretty much colorblind with dating. If you decide that you can only date one race, then your primary goal becomes looking for a specific race and not a person," says Jemison.

Sometimes becoming an interracial couple is a default for students at the College, where small or closely-knit ethnic groups may often prevent friends turning to lovers.

"It's difficult to date people of the same ethnicity, being Chicano," Alfred Fraijo '99 says. "There is a small Chicano population at Harvard. That means it's hard to find someone to share cultural attributes. I miss that." Angma Jhala '00 echoes Fraijo's view. An Indian student, Jhala says one reason she doesn't date Indian men exclusively is that there are too few available individuals on campus to choose from.

Although race and ethnicity may not become issues of discussion in every interracial relationship, those students who-have dated members of a different ethnic group say the sub- have been. It is different for a white girl todate a black man with society's fears of the blackman ravaging the white woman."

However, even for Search's family, one in whichmore than the youngest generation have dated thoseof different ethnic backgrounds, interracialdating is not easy. Search's parents' marriagecaused tension among her loved ones. The result isthat the rest of her mother's family doesn't speakto either Search or her mother. For some, thepossibility of landing such disapproval is apowerful deterrent.

"I notice race on the first few dates," saysNg. "I try to ruin the possibility of arelationship with a Caucasian man because myparents wouldn't approve, but it doesn't alwayswork."

But students need not avoid interracial datingaltogether. In fact, most of those intervieweddidn't see stifling emotions as a valid option,although some notice a dearth of interracialcouples on campus.

"I am fairly blown away: I haven't seen manyinterracial couples," says Search. "Thisdistresses me."

One way to bridge the cultural chasm is tobring your significant other closer to your ownculture, according to Fraijo.

"As a relationship solidifies, you startsharing your more personal experiences," he says.

But some differences are more difficult toreconcile than others.

Although discussing values or beliefs isimportant, students stressed some fundamentaldifferences--particularly regarding marriage--thatfrequently arise.

"When I date Asian guys, they are looking forthings they want in a wife," says Ng. "Americanguys aren't planning for the future as much."

"It's hard to date Indian guys because they arealways aware of marriage. With caucasian guys,there is a feeling we can be friends. But, when itcomes to marriage, I probably want to get marriedwith someone Indian who I can go back to Indiawith," says Jhala.

Students like Fraijo say common datingpressures, like long-term commitment, are perhapsmore important threats to interracialrelationships than racial or cultural differences.

Neither Ng. Fraijo, Jhala, or Felmers citedrace as a reason for breaking up with a boyfriendor girlfriend of another race.

Instead, some say emotional and economicfactors may play a larger role in determining thefuture of a given romance.

"Socio-economic factors are more important inthe relationship than race," Ng says. "As long aswe get along as far as our expectations insociety, it's easier to get along in terms ofrace.

However, even for Search's family, one in whichmore than the youngest generation have dated thoseof different ethnic backgrounds, interracialdating is not easy. Search's parents' marriagecaused tension among her loved ones. The result isthat the rest of her mother's family doesn't speakto either Search or her mother. For some, thepossibility of landing such disapproval is apowerful deterrent.

"I notice race on the first few dates," saysNg. "I try to ruin the possibility of arelationship with a Caucasian man because myparents wouldn't approve, but it doesn't alwayswork."

But students need not avoid interracial datingaltogether. In fact, most of those intervieweddidn't see stifling emotions as a valid option,although some notice a dearth of interracialcouples on campus.

"I am fairly blown away: I haven't seen manyinterracial couples," says Search. "Thisdistresses me."

One way to bridge the cultural chasm is tobring your significant other closer to your ownculture, according to Fraijo.

"As a relationship solidifies, you startsharing your more personal experiences," he says.

But some differences are more difficult toreconcile than others.

Although discussing values or beliefs isimportant, students stressed some fundamentaldifferences--particularly regarding marriage--thatfrequently arise.

"When I date Asian guys, they are looking forthings they want in a wife," says Ng. "Americanguys aren't planning for the future as much."

"It's hard to date Indian guys because they arealways aware of marriage. With caucasian guys,there is a feeling we can be friends. But, when itcomes to marriage, I probably want to get marriedwith someone Indian who I can go back to Indiawith," says Jhala.

Students like Fraijo say common datingpressures, like long-term commitment, are perhapsmore important threats to interracialrelationships than racial or cultural differences.

Neither Ng. Fraijo, Jhala, or Felmers citedrace as a reason for breaking up with a boyfriendor girlfriend of another race.

Instead, some say emotional and economicfactors may play a larger role in determining thefuture of a given romance.

"Socio-economic factors are more important inthe relationship than race," Ng says. "As long aswe get along as far as our expectations insociety, it's easier to get along in terms ofrace.