March to the Sea: I Love That Dirty, Lucky Water: Boston Will Keep Winning

Will you all calm down?

Pedro will be fine. He’s figuring out how far he can press his arm without risking injury. Eventually, he will find a happy medium. He might not be dominant this year, but he’ll still win 18 games—and he won’t get injured.

Hope springs eternal in Boston, the cursed city, home of the Fellowship of the Miserable.

But something is actually different this time around. I’m serious. This is The Year.

January begins, and the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl. These are the Patriots! I’ve already seen those Sports Illustrated commericals that come out every year, featuring superstars Tom Brady and David Patton. Good Lord! The Patriots are awful!

And the Bruins are in first place, in the entire Eastern Conference! The B’s might even get the number one seed! Ha! This team hasn’t advanced past the first round of the NHL playoffs since 1620. Didn’t the Bruins trade all of their good players at the start of the season? Didn’t I hear all this whining about Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs this year, when some thought he might buy the Red Sox? Wasn’t the argument that the Bruins will never win a championship under Jacobs and Harry Sinden because they don’t spend enough money?

Granted, the Bruins could lose in the first round. But, they won’t. Because this is Boston’s year.

How about the Celtics? Best season since the Bird era. Do you understand how insane that is? Have you ever seen Antoine Walker play? The fact that a basketball team at any level—I’m talking eighth grade JV—could win with Walker boggles my mind. He shoots 20 percent from the field, he perenially leads the league in turnovers and his woeful ballhandling skills should be showcased on a bloopers tape of that Nike commercial where everyone dribbles in rhythm. Walker’s dribbling could be put to the soundtrack of Rosanne’s rendition of the National Anthem.

Despite Walker’s ineptitude, the Celts are set to make a playoff run. The Eastern Conference is terrible enough that the Green and White could realistically show up in the NBA Championship this season.

Earlier this year, in September, I wrote a column declaring that Boston sports had reached an all-time low. Never, I claimed, had Boston sports teams been worse. The Patriots had just lost to Cincinatti in the team’s football opener, the Celtics and Bruins finished up miserable seasons and the Red Sox had fired, ridiculed or pissed off anyone associated in the organization.

What has changed?

The answer: nothing.

This is the most mind boggling turnaround I’ve ever seen. Suddenly, without doing much of anything, the Patriots win the Super Bowl and the Bruins and Celtics are mowing down the competition. Why? Pure luck.

In the NFL, the Patriots were not the best team this season. The Rams, the Packers, the 49ers and maybe even the Raiders, on a normal day, were better than the Pats. But the Patriots caught the Rams when St. Louis was struggling. Warner had a miserable game against Philadelphia in the NFC Championship and stumbled into the Super Bowl. The Patriots were riding a long winning streak filled with lucky breaks (the Brady fumble) and poor performances by the opposition (can you say Kordell Stewart?). They played a good game against one good team and won a Super Bowl.

In the NHL, the best team this season happens to be the Detriot Red Wings. By far. Fortunately for the Bruins, the Red Wings are in the West. End result: number one seed.

In the NBA, the best team this season is again in the West. Wait, check that. The 400 best teams are in the West. The Lakers, the Spurs, the Kings, the Trail Blazers, the Timberwolves...heck, the Jazz, the Sonics—even the Clippers are better than any team in the East. But the NBA is set up in such a way that the Celtics could waltz into the Championship, a la the Patriots, and “shock” the world.

So relax, Red Sox Nation. Everything will work out for the best. I mean, it’s not like Boston is unaccustomed to winning...