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Nothing makes me angrier than guys saying that girls don’t think sports are important. I understand that guys take sports pretty seriously. But girls do, too!
True, our motives may be different since it’s not like women can become emotionally invested in anything related to sports. For instance, girls never go to sporting events to watch them. We go to pick up the men who are there to watch them. They really are the perfect opportunity to meet future husbands. The crowds are chockfull of eligible bachelors who just love women who ask them lots of questions during games. It makes them feel smart. Then again, they’re always impressed if girls can talk about things like “double coverage” in football. Or when girls shout and scream a lot during plays because they like when we show we care.
And by the way, girlfriends really love watching sports with boyfriends and their friends. True, the commercials are usually more entertaining than the games, but it’s always nice to spend some quality time with our sweeties. Besides, what girl isn’t a party girl?
And no female can argue with the close-ups of baseball players batting in their tight little pants. Football players, well, that’s a different story. Their squishy butts are for the most part undesirable, but hotties like Brett Favre can still make all that juvenile hitting and smashing endurable.
You know what? That little blondie Melissa-something, who does Monday Night Football, has got the system all figured out. She’s able to talk to all these athletes who are rich and athletic for a living…
And of course, Melissa what’s-her-face is living proof that girls can be in sports media. I mean, sure, we need help figuring out what’s going on; but if you can pull off the whole act with a pretty face, you are set in terms of finding a husband.
When girls are watching sports with boys, live or on TV, it always helps when we look extra cute in all the gear. Don’t tell me that we don’t think a lot about sports—women put a lot of time and effort into clothing selection. Clearly, only scandalous, skin-baring outfits are appropriate.
This rule applies for female athletes as well, you know. That poor Brandi Chastain! She had to improvise to show some skin because those soccer unis just aren’t flattering at all. Trust me, she was looking to attract a mate, not celebrate some exhilarating, passionate moment when she ripped off her shirt. Women just don’t care as much about winning as men do.
Look, I’m not trying to convince you that girls are good at actually playing sports—like Brandi’s team won the World Cup or anything, or that a woman could compete in a PGA event against multi-ethnic cutie and millionaire Tiger Woods. Clearly, most females aren’t able to dribble a basketball or throw a perfect spiral. It’s genetic, what with our two X chromosomes lacking the sports gene carried on the Y. Those few women who can, well, who are we joking—they must be lesbians. All the other females stick with finesse sports like tennis, because it’s not like a woman could ever have the power to serve over 100 miles per hour.
And what’s with all this hoopla about Title IX? It’s not important for women in high school or college to get athletic funding. Playing sports for women is less about gaining self-confidence in the context of competition and teamwork and more about looking good. A women’s basketball coach could never inspire little girls to dream big by racking up 800 wins by the time she’s 50, and girls can’t do anything more significant than cheerleading in professional sports. Let’s be serious here.
Anyway, I hope by now you men (like any girls would be caught dead reading the sports section) realize that women care just as much about sports as boys, even if we don’t understand them or can’t play them very well. I just wanted to set the record straight once and for all.
—Staff writer Brenda E. Lee can be reached at email@example.com.
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