O Larry, We Hardly Knew Ye

Whether scrutinizing his eager arrival, his struggles with his waistline, or his arhythmic dancing with teenaged co-eds, FM relished covering
By Jennifer P. Jordan

Whether scrutinizing his eager arrival, his struggles with his waistline, or his arhythmic dancing with teenaged co-eds, FM relished covering our departing prez. Here, presented for your delectation, are some of FM’s favorite moments:

November 8, 2001

An intrepid FM reporter attempted to go trick-or-treating at University President Lawrence H. Summers’ house. Dressed up as a lady-bug and accompanied by a slutty Margaret Thatcher and scantily-clad Chiquita banana, FM banged on Summers’ door and screeched “Trick-or-Treat! Smell my feet! Give me something good to eat!” Sadly, Summers was nowhere to be found, and the FMer went disappointedly home, Larry-less and unsatiated by any delicious Halloween treats.

Spring ’02 - Spring ‘03

In Spring 2002, FM contacted Summers to challenge him to a doubles match with magazine execs. They received a polite but firm no but refused to take rejection lying down. FM bullied Summers into accepting its challenge, so each issue of Fall 2003 featured The Larry Summers Tennis Watch. Just when FM was getting discouraged and “it appeared that our weak lob of hope had been crushed by the overhand smash of Presidential indifference,” a miracle happened—Summers agreed to play. Apparently running a drawing of the pudgy president being pelted by tennis balls and cruelly disparaging captions for five weeks worked wonders.

In the epic match-up, Summers and his doubles partner, former FM co-chair Ben C. Wasserstein ’03, came back from behind to school their uppity challengers, FM co-chair Ben D. Mathis-Lilley ’03 and FM publisher Kenyon S. Weaver ’03.

October 30, 2003

FM printed a jack-o-lantern stencil of Summers’ face so students could make their own festive Jack-O-Larrys. With a pin of the pattern to the pumpkin, viola! Summers’ smirk glowed eerily throughout the night.

December 4, 2003

FM got the scoop on Summers’ “low-carb, high-tennis” diet. Summers’ suddenly lean look shocked students, and FM was determined to get to the bottom of the sudden weight loss. The presidential secret was Atkins, with a good helping of cake and cookies on the side.

“For this expert in deflation and fiscal-belt tightening, being the big man on campus no longer means being the largest one,” wrote FM. “[But] Several Summers watchers have caught the president cheating repeatedly and flagrantly during his supposedly carb-free existence.”

March 3, 2005

FM dialed up Sarah C. Goodin ’06, infamous for dirty dancing with Summers at the inaugural freshman study break in Annenberg in the spring of 2003.

“We were on the dance floor and somebody pushed me from behind,” said Goodin. “I just started dancing. Part of my goal was to freak him out a little bit. He continued to dance with other girls after I gave up. At some point one of his aides pulled him aside and basically told him, ‘Dancing with young girls is really inappropriate."