Harvard Students Fail to Rank in Dateability, Hotness, Smartness, and Sexiness

Harvard is used to being on the list. As the oldest college in America with the most  successful alumni, the University has enjoyed a high level of prestige for the last  three and a bit centuries. But what about the rankings that actually matter? Will Harvard students, in the words of Rihanna, ever find love in a hopeless place? The numbers are in, and the results are grim: Harvard undergraduates are neither the most or least enjoyable to date, and are unranked in many other important categories. We are, in short, irrelevant.

According to Time Magazine, a matchmaking service known as “The Dating Ring” collected feedback from over 7,500 dates in New York and San Francisco, and found that Colgate University alumni were most likely to score a second date. Other colleges on the list for enjoyable matchings included Boston University and Williams, while the most undateable hailed from Princeton, the University of Chicago, and the University of Pennsylvania. While we take comfort in the fact that we aren’t the worst daters, the fact that we rank nowhere on the list is a little worrying for a college that prides itself on a legacy of success. Are we even making an impact in the world?

Clearly not. The “Daily Beast” released a list of the 20 sexiest colleges in the United States, and while Yale ranked number seven, Harvard, yet again, did not make the list. You might think we would have more luck in the brains department, but once again, we fall short. The top 25 colleges where students are “both hot and smart” include familiar names such as Wesleyan, Boston College, and Yale. Although these findings may help explain why so many freshman boys choose to leave campus on Friday nights in search of parties they can actually get into, or why Harvard-Yale is reputed to be the best weekend on campus, they also point to a decidedly “average” level of attractiveness for Harvard students.

It’s okay, Harvard. The dictionary defines “failure” as a deficiency in a desirable quality, so that means we’re just missing one piece of the puzzle, not all of it! Right?