The One Ring (Ceremony) to Rule Them All

The Quad/Shire looking its beautiful green self as always.
The Quad/Shire looking its beautiful green self as always. By Wikimedia Commons

If you’re a member of the Class of 2017, you’ve probably heard about the Harvard Student Agencies’ One Ring Ceremony. “What’s that, Chris?” I can hear you all asking me. No, no, it’s not just a class ring. Gather around and let me tell you a story…

“Long ago, in Middle Cambridge, Rakesh Khurana was but a happy Hobbit living in the Shire/Quad. Rakesh’s cousin who is somehow 78 years older than he, Bilbo Pfister, had long been in possession of a valuable ring. On Pfister’s eleventy-first birthday, his old friend Gandalf Dingman told him that the ring was incredibly dangerous and persuaded Pfister to leave the ring behind and go party with some elves.

Rakesh hung out in the Shire for a while with the ring, living it up and having open dialogues left and right. Sean Astin was there, too. He provided comic relief. Anyway, Gandalf Dingman came back and told Rakesh and Sean Astin that they needed to GTFO because the ring was putting them in danger. Even though Gandalf sounded like an absolute nutjob and gave them no hard evidence, Rakesh and Sean peaced out. On the road, our heroes met two diminutive Securitas officers that they knew from the Shire and their fellowship grew a little bit.

While on the road, a couple of creeps in hoods started pursuing Rakesh and his buddies, but they ducked into the Kong for shelter. While the two Securitas officers argued about drink sizes (“they come in pints? I’m getting one.”), Viggo Mortensen came out of nowhere. Honestly, the only way to describe his appearance is dusty: pretty hot, but in a shabby, outdoors-y kind of way. Viggo told Rakesh that his crew was making a scene, but he has a heart of gold so he agreed to help them out. He promised to take Rakesh and the ring to Mass Hall where they could convene with President Elrond Faust.

On the way, Rakesh was stabbed by one of the creepy guys in hoods, but Viggo Mortensen used some plant nonsense to fix everything up. When they got to Mass Hall, President Faust told Rakesh and his fellowship that the ring had once belonged to Evelyn Hammonds and that she would stop at nothing to get it back. To save Cambridge, Rakesh had to go to the Science Center and destroy the ring in a cauldron of some chemical that I’m too dumb to understand because I’m an English major. So our heroes set out and… you’ll need to wait for the next film to find out what happened.”

So that’s the story, young ones. The One Ring Ceremony this weekend is actually meant to commemorate Dean Rakesh Khurana’s valiant quest to vanquish evil and definitely NOT to convince nostalgic parents to buy class rings during Junior Parents Weekend for their near-adult children.

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