Posts You're Bound to See in Your Class Facebook Group

Class Facebook groups are either hilarious or cringe-inducing. There doesn't seem to be an in-between. Just think about it: it's that time of night again, you have absolutely nothing else you could possibly do to procrastinate on that Ec p-set, so you pay a quick visit to the Facebook page. You think: this time I will find some quality content.

Think again! Here are the types of posts you're most likely to encounter here

Introducing Me

Hi! My name’s [insert quirky name], and here’s a picture of my ugly dog. Alternatively, here’s some random dog that’s clearly not mine since I don’t know even know its name. I’m posting because I can’t stand the idea of being excluded from anything! I’m from a small town in Iowa you definitely haven’t heard of. Or I’m from New York (the ‘city’ part is implicit).

I’ve been doing this eccentric thing with my spare time since I was just a year old—I put it down on my application, so I might as well put it down here to make sure all of you know I’m a prodigy. I also love saying that I love running, walking, hiking, or any other physical activity. I say I procrastinate all the time, even though I drafted this post before I even got in. I can’t wait to meet all of you, hook up with a few of you, and then promptly forget all of your names!

Just A Good Friend

(Posting for a friend, so don’t judge me for spamming the entire class with crap that people care less about than their roommate’s sleep when a “friend” comes over for the night!) Do you want a sweatshirt with Dean Khurana eating from a bag of plain pistachios on it? No? Well, our crappy marketing team sure thinks so! Come to this obscure hall at this time when everyone—including me—is busy to leave their rooms.

PSA

Hey everyone, here’s a reminder about something important that might actually be useful for those slackers out there. Of course, I’m not doing this because I actually care about you. I just want y’all to know just how organized and helpful I am, so that you affectionately call me ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ and want to be my friend. Cheers! (Also, please like my post and constantly bump it, thanks.)

The “Poor” Concert Goer

Anyone wanna go to the [insert musician name] concert? Tickets are only like, a couple hundred dollars, and I absolutely love their music. Be my concert buddy! P.S. You will see me complaining about being a broke college student on every other post.

The Club Climber

Hey everyone, there’s this really cool event that’s happening tomorrow, and I swear it’s not something that I’m connected to. What’s that, I just want brownie points with my club? No way! This is a valuable experience that’s definitely worth your time. But if they ask you how you found out about the event, make sure to drop my name.

Lost and Found

I just lost this important item that no one will ever see again. If you’re lucky I’ll have a picture, but most of the time I’ll just give a vague description. This post will be constantly bumped by my friends making fun of me. Alternatively: I just found this important-looking thing, are any of you the owner? I know no one will actually see this post or care about the lost item, but I just wanted to remind myself what a good person I am.