Hard to believe, but it’s nearly May. There’s no disputing the fact that spring is here—or at least, it will be as soon as the rain clears away for good. But it turns out there’s a hidden danger to darty weather that none of us could ever have anticipated. Predators can be camouflaged in the most innocent of places…

Harvard Turkey
A turkey wanders around Harvard Yard.

MassWildlife has issued a warning about creatures that will have you locking your doors and windows—flocks of wild turkeys. You read that right. Hide yo’ kids, hide yo' wives, because it’s turkey breeding season and aggressive turkeys everywhere will not hesitate to, um, “strut their stuff.” "How does this affect little old me in my cozy Harvard dorm?" you might be asking. Well, MassWildlife says that turkeys often attack humans that they see as “low in the pecking order.”

Harvard nerds. That’s right.

Stay vigilant. Turkeys don’t discriminate between engineering nerds and Hist & Lit nerds when seeking out prey. Turkeys don’t care if you’re just trying to make it back to your room after a night of cramming. And turkeys especially don’t give a hoot about your Goldman Sachs internship. Beware the shadows lurking in the street corners, especially those of the avian sort. They can smell your fear. When you show up, humiliated and thoroughly pecked, to your next class, everyone will know that turkeys think you’re inferior.

Most Harvard students adore the Harvard turkey, who is something of a campus celebrity. But we advise that you stay well away from our feathery friend until the fall comes around again. Being pecked is simply not worth a selfie.

What’s that, you say? The Harvard turkey would never do such a thing? On your own head be it. Sometimes the person you’d take a bullet for is the one that pulls the trigger.