The Best and Worst Places to Be at Harvard During a Zombie Apocalypse
Whether it’s from countless all-nighters in Lamont or the heavy winds of New England winter-turning-to-spring, we’re all trudging across Harvard Yard like zombies in an apocalyptic world. As I lament the way we’re all slowly turning into zombies, I wonder how we’ll do in an actual zombie apocalypse. Will Harvard offer us any help? How long can we hold out until help arrives? Most importantly, where on Harvard’s 5,076 acre campus should we hide? Here are some of our thoughts:.
Best Place: The Quad
There is a benefit to being so distant from civilization after all. Being far away from the crowded Yard where all the action happens, the Quad will surely be spared from the initial outbreak when the zombies first appear. Besides, the distance is so insurmountable that even the zombies wouldn’t make the walk there. The Quad is the place to be as the undead overtake the world.
Worst Place: Widener Library
Zombie fights in school libraries might look cool on TV, but Widener is the last place you’d want to hide when the zombies are chasing you. The stacks look like a horror movie zone already. And though the beautiful aesthetics and silence in the reading rooms make Widener the perfect spot to study, the same silence means that every step you take will notify the zombies of your exact location. Useful to meet up with fellow survivors? Yes. Also useful for zombies to hear you and come rushing? Unfortunately, also yes.
Best Place: Canaday
Sure, everyone makes fun of Canaday’s bomb-shelter architecture, but when the time comes, that prison-like aesthetic and riot-proof design will serve as the formidable protection for students. Even if technology fails, Canaday inhabitants can always rely on Memorial Church’s bells to keep track of time. The only drawback of this hideout place: the Canaday rats. If you don’t get bitten by zombies, there are still the Canaday rats to worry about.
Worst Place: Smith Campus Center
A comfortable hiding spot? Yes. A good one? No. Once you get inside, Smith is not a bad place to be. It has all the amenities you need to wait out an apocalypse: comfy sofas, restrooms, foods and drinks, etc. — but it also has GLASS WALLS. Aside from the whole glass-is-transparent-and-can't-really-hide-you part, everyone knows that apocalypses involve a lot of broken windows on high floors. No thanks.
Best Place: Kung Fu Tea
Like with Smith, realistically speaking, the glass windows at Kung Fu Tea are a huge risk. But think about it. You can use the cooking utensils as weapons and the tables and desks as barricades for the door. Plus, all the free drinks at the abandoned KFT will keep you happy and energized while you wait to be rescued. If we’re gonna be stuck in a zombie apocalypse, might as well be where the boba is.
Worst Place: The Charles River
Can zombies swim? No idea. While it is tempting to jump into the river to get away from the zombies chasing you, is the murky Charles River truly safer than being caught by bloodthirsty zombies? Let’s hope we never have to find out.
Hopefully, the zombie apocalypse never happens. But if the day ever comes (dear universe, that is NOT a manifestation btw), at least you’ll know where to avoid and where to seek refuge. Godspeed.